I wanted to take a moment and address a point. It comes from a comment I received on this blog as well as some emails I have received and some things that have been said about me. There are certainly people who believe that I am lying about a number of things. Some believe that I am lying about my innocence. Some believe much more than that. They believe that I have been a deceiver and that I have been purposefully deceiving people for a good part, if not all, of my life. I suppose that what these people are really calling into question is the past 17 or so years since I first became a Christian. Because I now so vehemently deny the Christ and God of the Bible, many assume that I could never have been truly "saved" 17 years ago when I first made my confession of faith. This would, of course, call the last 17 years into question.
But I was not the standard pew sitter. I was a preacher and a missionary. This may make it more difficult for some people to accept that I no longer believe in Christ or the Bible. They may feel it is necessary to defend their own belief system and to do so by trying their best to discredit me. How do you compensate for a person who, not only claimed that he was a believer, but taught the Bible, preached the Bible, went to serve on the mission field and sacrificed his life for the ministry, but then one day walks away from the faith? It seems that, for some, the remedy for this is to claim that I have always been a deceiver and that I must have been a damn good one at that!
I want to take a few moments to talk about the last 17 years of my life. On June the 1st, 1991, not long after returning from Dessert Storm, I came to a place where I heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ and accepted him into my heart. I was at someone's home and they led me through a sinner's prayer. Afterward I can remember that I felt lighter ... like a great weight had been lifted off of me. The next day I can remember that the sky seemed bluer and the grass greener. I was baptized, based on my confession of faith that following Sunday at Victory Baptist Church in Clemmons, North Carolina.
The pastor of that church recommended that I attend Piedmont Bible College (now Piedmont Baptist College) to get a degree in the Bible. I applied, was accepted and completed a year at that school before transferring to the Institute of Biblical Studies (IBS) which, at that time, was a part of the Friends of Israel Gospel Ministry. It was while at PBC that I met Melanie and it was not long after that that we were wed.
After graduating from IBS we began to serve in churches by teaching things like Jewish evangelism, the importance of Israel in God's plan, basic doctrine and many teachings on the historical backgrounds to key biblical passages. For the next six or seven years I took no money from the church. I worked to support my growing family. I would chose jobs, not based on what I wanted to do or how much money I could make, but on if they offered me the ability to keep ministering. This meant I needed flexibility in scheduling. My mindset was to minister and working only served the purpose of providing shelter, clothing and food. There was no mindset of getting rich or even getting ahead. All was done to minister.
Eventually we moved from Virginia to New Jersey. One church that loved us and wanted to support us in our efforts to reach the Jew with the Gospel and wanted to help us go to Israel was Berean Baptist Church in Magnolia, New Jersey. We moved to be close to them and to work with their people for a few years before heading off to Israel. The pastor asked me to serve on his elder staff and, as a result, I was there to help with the decision making process of the church along with the other elders. As a side note, when I was in the process of becoming a pastor at Heritage Baptist Church in Vinton, Virginia, Pastor Barton talked with the pastor of Berean Baptist. The word he got was that Dan Silverman was a man of integrity that could be trusted with even the most sensitive of information.
While at Berean, I was encouraged by the pastor to prepare to be ordained. I was required to write an ordination paper that detailed my beliefs. I still have this 20+ page document on my computer. In order to be ordained in that system, I had to go before a board and be reviewed. My doctrinal statement was read beforehand and the board was to question me at length so that they could hear my answers. Unless I satisfied this board, I could not be ordained.
I still have my ordination certificate that I earned that day. Some of the people on the board included my pastor, Richard Vauhgn, and William Krewson, who is currently the director of the Institute of Jewish Studies (then called IBS) and was then a prominent professor there. According to these men, I was not only prepared to be ordained, but that they were impressed with how well I knew the Scriptures and was easily able to provide answers to their extensive questions. The entire interview process was recorded by a member of Lighthouse Baptist Church.
The pastor of Berean Baptist Church, Pastor Vaughn, had family members that attended a Baptist Church in Delaware. This church had a variety of troubles and the result was a church split that formed a new congregation. This "split" did not have a pastor and, as a result, was reeling from a lack of stability. Berean sent me down to be the interim pastor in order to help bring stability and hold the place together while the church was being established and while a permanent pastor was being sought. During my six months or so at Light House Baptist Church, which was the name of this new congregation, the church grew and the people grew to love me and my family.
With my time done at Lighthouse, we prepared our family for the big move to Israel! In December, right after 911, at the height of an Intifada against the people of Israel, we flew out from JFK airport and soon landed in Tel Aviv to start our new life as missionaries in the land of Israel. We gladly went to there to live in Jerusalem despite the fact that they were almost daily (at that time) getting missile attacks and bus bombings. We, as a family, were willing to sacrifice our lives for the ministry to the people of Israel.
I served with Meno Kalisher, an Israeli pastor, at his church, the Jerusalem Assembly House of Redemption. I was a member of his staff, meeting weekly to help make decisions about the church, to help in counseling and to teach and to preach. I taught in the church, taught Bible studies in our apartment and traveled much with Meno to visit with people who needed help. I participated in evangelistic campaigns distributing leaflets throughout Jerusalem to encourage the people to discover the Jewish Messiah, Jesus. I helped create a facelift for Jerusalem Assembly's evangelistic web site that promoted the "truth" about Jesus in Hebrew to the people of Israel.
I labored to serve there in the land of Israel and, on top of it all, I worked to support our family. Churches had given sacrificially to get us set up in Israel. But monthly financial support was usually around $500 a month, though we had some higher months. However, living in Israel is very expensive. A vehicle costs at least twice as much there as in the USA. I eventually leased a small seven passenger car (a Mazda 5) at the cost of $1500 per month! Food was more expensive. Gas cost about $7 per gallon and that was years before this last gas hike we all experienced. I worked to support my family on top of all the labor I did for the ministry.
Our home was constantly full of people from the church. We had purposefully found a place with a very large living room in order that we could hold church events there. Jerusalem Assembly, despite having 250-300 people in attendance at the time, did not have its own building. Therefore they rented a place for their weekly worship meetings. All other events had to be in someone's home. On top of this, we would often have events where we would invite neighbors as well as members from our church. The purpose was to introduce our neighbors to Jewish believers, to build a dialog and to help evangelize them.
After 3.5 years of living in Jerusalem, we moved to the north of Israel, above the Sea of Galilee to a village called Yasod HaMa'alah. Our goal was to go to a place where there was not a church and to start one by evanglizing the people in that area. We ministered there, working with both believers that we had discovered and witnessing to non-believers, for about a year before coming back to the USA to help take care of Melanie's elderly mother.
We were big believers in the family, believing that the Bible placed a huge emphasis on parent-child relationships. This was one of the motivating factors that caused us to make another international move away from Israel and back to the United States. Melanie's mother was almost 80 at the time and it was becoming apparent that she was struggling to take care of herself. When we moved back we made sure to find a home to rent that had enough space for our family of six (four children, my wife and I) and for her mother. We were ready for her to move in with us and for us to take care of her. Of course this produced additional expenses. A larger home was needed which would cost more to rent. Eventually Melanie's mom moved in with us.
Later we became more involved in Melanie's brother's life. Ed was about 50 and has been a severe alcoholic since about 18. He had been to about every recovery and addictions program that he could go to. We even took him into our home and were trying to help him! When he eventually moved out and went back to drinking, I would make sure to stop by his place, visit with him and try to encourage him away from drinking. Frequently Melanie and her mother would thank me for the time and effort I had put into Ed.
I could go on, but I write all this to make a point:
WHAT WAS MY MOTIVATION FOR DECEIVING EVERYONE FOR THE LAST 17 YEARS OF MY LIFE?
Did I get rich from my Christian experience? No. Most of our marriage we were on the edge of poverty. I can remember fitting the six of us in our five passenger car that was always on the verge of overheating because that car was all we could afford!
What did I have to gain by deceiving people about being a Christian for 17 years?
The answer is, I was not deceiving people. I honestly believed that Christ was God and that the Bible was God's word. I studied that book. I taught that book. I prayed and would plead with God. I was definitely sincere. The last 17 years of my life have been a dedication to Christ and his word. None of that was deception.
However, I have certainly come to a place where I came to see things more clearly. I came out from under the delusion of fundamentalist Christianity and now I believe the Bible is not the word of God and that the Gospels are fiction. There are many factors that have led me to these conclusions. This does not make me deceptive. If I had wanted to have been deceptive, I could have hidden this and acted like I still believed when I did not. Instead, despite the problems I knew this would cause, I told my wife and pastor what I believed about Christ, God and the Bible.
I did not deceive. I lived my life according to what I believed and I still do.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Much Going On! Feel Free to Email Me!
I know it has been a while since I have updated this blog and a lot has transpired. However, because of recent events I am not at liberty to talk about them publicly. I have had a meeting with my lawyer to discuss my case (and more scheduled), a meeting with DSS (Department of Social Services) and some counselors (and more of those scheduled as well) and many other things. I certainly wanted to blog about a lot of what I have learned and experienced, but prudence says not to write about them in such a public forum. However, I know that many of you are curious and, in fact, many have been asking about what has been going on. Therefore I recommend that you contact me via email. I will do my best to respond and talk about what I am able. A link to my email address is to the left on the side bar.
Thank you for your understanding.
Thank you for your understanding.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Met with My Lawyer Today
I met with my lawyer today and we looked over the case material. There is not much to report other than things are looking hopeful. Obviously I cannot talk about what we discussed, what are plans are, etc. In fact, a lot of planning will take shape as the court date gets nearer.
A Call from Social Services
I received a phone call the other day from Social Services. These days, anytime I receive a call or a visit from the police or Social Services I begin to wonder, "What happened now?!?" This time the call was a good one!
Both of my sons are seeing their own counselor. The purpose behind this is to help them adjust to all that is going on and, frankly, this makes sense. From what I have heard, my sons have been very trying in the home (one of the reasons given for my youngest being removed from the home to live some place else) and the counselors want to help them to behave properly. The guardian ad litem met with the two counselors and the Social Services case worker. Apparently it was suggested that it would be best to have the boys' father involved in some of the counseling sessions. That way I could help as a father.
Frankly, I am overjoyed that this opportunity has been given to me! It means that, to some degree, I can be a bit more involved in my children's lives and actually be a father to them! During the supervised visitation time I can do little more than play with whomever shows up. But being a father is so much more than playing a game or two with you children.
My first meeting is scheduled this coming Tuesday. I get to sit down with the counselors and the Social Services case worker. I will learn more about this opportunity then.
Both of my sons are seeing their own counselor. The purpose behind this is to help them adjust to all that is going on and, frankly, this makes sense. From what I have heard, my sons have been very trying in the home (one of the reasons given for my youngest being removed from the home to live some place else) and the counselors want to help them to behave properly. The guardian ad litem met with the two counselors and the Social Services case worker. Apparently it was suggested that it would be best to have the boys' father involved in some of the counseling sessions. That way I could help as a father.
Frankly, I am overjoyed that this opportunity has been given to me! It means that, to some degree, I can be a bit more involved in my children's lives and actually be a father to them! During the supervised visitation time I can do little more than play with whomever shows up. But being a father is so much more than playing a game or two with you children.
My first meeting is scheduled this coming Tuesday. I get to sit down with the counselors and the Social Services case worker. I will learn more about this opportunity then.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
My Blog Continues!
Several articles ago I had stated that my intention was to remove this blog. I did not see that it was doing any good at the time. However, since that article I have received numerous emails and messages asking me to please reconsider. The number of emails and reasons given were very convincing. As a result and as you can see, I have decided to keep the blog up and to keep posting!
Thank you, all of you, for your encouragement!
Thank you, all of you, for your encouragement!
No Show for Visitation ... Family Further Splintered!
I don't have a lot to update folks about recently concerning my case and that is why posts have been rather slow. I did want to let people know that none of my children showed up at the last visitation. According to the policy of the place, if one party or the other cannot show up they are supposed to call in and let the people know. Not showing up affects several parties: the parent coming for the visit or the children coming for the visit and the counselor and security personnel.
They let me wait until about 15 minutes past the time the visit was supposed to begin and then they sent me home. The counselor said she tried to call all concerned and was not able to get anyone on the phone. As a result, neither the counselor nor myself knew the reason why no one showed up.
I talked to the social services case worker the next day as I had a number of reasons to speak with her. I found out that my youngest son, the one that my wife charged with assault and battery, is not living in the same home as the rest of his family! In other words, he is in another person's house away from his brother and sisters! It seems like my entire family is slowly being torn apart! Some are being torn within, like my oldest son who claims he refuses to smile. Others have been torn from their family all together!
I asked the social services case worker why my son was not living with the rest of the family and asked if it had to do with the assault and battery charge (in other words, did the authorities decide to remove him from the home). She told me that this was not the reason. Apparently my wife and children are living with another family in their home. According to the case worker, my youngest son was displaying attitudes and behaviors that were not tolerable by that family. As a result, my son was removed from the home and sent somewhere else to live!
Now, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have allowed this to happen as their father! I realize that I don't have all the facts. I am sure that I have very few of them. I don't know how destructive my son's behavior was. I was not there and no one is telling me what happened. Even so, this is MY SON! My flesh and blood! If something comes between me and my children, then the "something" is what needs to go, not the child! If I was living in someone else's home and my children were bothering the owners, I would find a way to leave with my family ... not send away one of my children! In other words, if there is a choice between a friend and my child, I choose my child! I don't care how hard this makes my circumstances. I don't care how much I needed the help (i.e. couldn't afford rent, no job, etc). I would strive to find a way to keep the family whole before I would send my child off to live with someone else!
I realize that this situation is hard on my wife, but what is she thinking? Why is it so easy for her to remove her son from the home? Some may say that it was not an easy thing, that I don't know what really happened. I would say, you are right that I don't know what happened. But I do know that a mother should be willing to do all (and more) for her own child! I mother should be willing to lay down her life for her child! And, as far as I can see, this should never have happened!
My wife was willing to sacrifice me and 15 years of marriage because of my de-conversion. My behavior was no longer pleasing to her. It has been almost 6 months since she has talked to me in any way, shape or form. The pastor at Heritage Baptist Church tried to get my wife to reconcile with me while I was still in jail. She left the church and refuses to have communication with him. His behavior was no longer pleasing to her and she cast off both him and his church. My wife has charged my ten-year-old son with assault and battery and now he is living outside of the home. Apparently his behavior is no longer pleasing to her as well. Who's next? Who will cease to be deemed pleasing in her sight and be cast off in one way or another?
They let me wait until about 15 minutes past the time the visit was supposed to begin and then they sent me home. The counselor said she tried to call all concerned and was not able to get anyone on the phone. As a result, neither the counselor nor myself knew the reason why no one showed up.
I talked to the social services case worker the next day as I had a number of reasons to speak with her. I found out that my youngest son, the one that my wife charged with assault and battery, is not living in the same home as the rest of his family! In other words, he is in another person's house away from his brother and sisters! It seems like my entire family is slowly being torn apart! Some are being torn within, like my oldest son who claims he refuses to smile. Others have been torn from their family all together!
I asked the social services case worker why my son was not living with the rest of the family and asked if it had to do with the assault and battery charge (in other words, did the authorities decide to remove him from the home). She told me that this was not the reason. Apparently my wife and children are living with another family in their home. According to the case worker, my youngest son was displaying attitudes and behaviors that were not tolerable by that family. As a result, my son was removed from the home and sent somewhere else to live!
Now, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have allowed this to happen as their father! I realize that I don't have all the facts. I am sure that I have very few of them. I don't know how destructive my son's behavior was. I was not there and no one is telling me what happened. Even so, this is MY SON! My flesh and blood! If something comes between me and my children, then the "something" is what needs to go, not the child! If I was living in someone else's home and my children were bothering the owners, I would find a way to leave with my family ... not send away one of my children! In other words, if there is a choice between a friend and my child, I choose my child! I don't care how hard this makes my circumstances. I don't care how much I needed the help (i.e. couldn't afford rent, no job, etc). I would strive to find a way to keep the family whole before I would send my child off to live with someone else!
I realize that this situation is hard on my wife, but what is she thinking? Why is it so easy for her to remove her son from the home? Some may say that it was not an easy thing, that I don't know what really happened. I would say, you are right that I don't know what happened. But I do know that a mother should be willing to do all (and more) for her own child! I mother should be willing to lay down her life for her child! And, as far as I can see, this should never have happened!
My wife was willing to sacrifice me and 15 years of marriage because of my de-conversion. My behavior was no longer pleasing to her. It has been almost 6 months since she has talked to me in any way, shape or form. The pastor at Heritage Baptist Church tried to get my wife to reconcile with me while I was still in jail. She left the church and refuses to have communication with him. His behavior was no longer pleasing to her and she cast off both him and his church. My wife has charged my ten-year-old son with assault and battery and now he is living outside of the home. Apparently his behavior is no longer pleasing to her as well. Who's next? Who will cease to be deemed pleasing in her sight and be cast off in one way or another?
Friday, January 16, 2009
Another Court Date ... But Not for Me!
I hesitated to post this, but I think it is important. The day before yesterday a policeman shows up at my door. Any more, I am concerned whenever a policeman shows up. If you are familiar with my story, then I am sure you can understand why. The policeman, being a civil servant, was there simply to give me a summons to appear in court. I thanked him and he went on his way. I then sat down to read the summons...
... and that's when my jaw hit the floor!
I saw the words assault and battery and my wife's name! At first I thought, "What am I being accused of now?!?" Then I calmed down and read the summons a bit more closely. Here is what is says:
He did on or about 12/17/08 unlawfully assault and batter his mother in violation of section 18.2-57.2 of the 1950 code of Virginia as amended.
Mother? Who did what? I looked up and saw the name of the accused ... my youngest son! Apparently my youngest son struck his mother in some form or fashion. Instead of handling this in the home, it was taken to the police! What?
My youngest son is not a big boy. He is 10 (just turned 10 this January) and he is not a large boy at all. He apparently struck his mother, but why didn't she deal with it? Why didn't she handle it at home? Why get the police involved? Does it seem like a pattern is emerging here to get the authorities involved when things aren't the way she would like them to be? To get the authorities involved when someone is not behaving the way she wants them to?
Now, let's face some facts: I have no real idea what happened. I was not there. I don't know anyone that was (outside of my family) and, because of the protective order, I cannot simply make a call and find out either. All I can do is speculate. But it seems to me that a mother should be able to handle a boy who was, at that time, nine years old!
When I met with the boys during my supervised visit yesterday, I asked my youngest about what happened. He said that he and his mother got into an argument. He said that his brother grabbed him and he pulled away and, in the process, accidentally hit his mom. He then said that this fueled the argument even more and then he purposefully hit her. According to what he said he did not use an item to hit his mom. He was nine at the time. He only comes up to my armpit (and I am a short to average height man). How much damage could he have done?
My son was wrong. No doubt about it. He should not have struck his mother. In fact, I told him to never do that again. I calmly told him that getting angry and striking another is not the way to solve problems and that, as he gets older, reacting this way can lead to more severe consequences. I reminded him that his mother is his mother and, as such, he should treat her with respect. He promised me that he would not strike her again and that he would try to control his anger.
Even so, as I think about this incident, I am furious! Why turn my son into the police? Why start him on the path to being a delinquent? What does she hope to accomplish by this action? If my son were to strike me and I thought the situation was getting out of hand, I might call a friend to help, but I would not call the police! This is my own flesh and blood! My son would have to do something a lot more than strike me to have me call the police on him!
Now, in a situation like mine, I cannot help but have suspicious thoughts. Again, I cannot talk to my wife to hear her side of this. However, there is a possible pattern here (and, I admit, this may be the farthest thing from what is actually going on). My youngest son has always been in my corner, so to speak. The first Sunday after my de-conversion he stayed home with me instead of going to church with my wife and the rest of his siblings. When I was arrested he was there and watched through the picture window as they put the cuffs on me. He has come to every single supervised visit without fail. My wife seems to have the attitude that whoever is with me is an enemy. Could she be viewing my son this way? Could she be punishing him for his allegiance to me? Yes, he struck her (according to his own admission to me)! Yes, that was wrong! But why call the police? Why make a ten-year-old appear before a judge?
I de-convert and upset my wife. The next thing I know, the authorities are at my door arresting me. My (then) nine-year-old son strikes my wife. The next thing you know there is a sworn affidavit forcing my son to appear in court about assaulting his mother. Too much of a coincidence? Maybe. Like I said, I could be totally wrong. But unfortunately it does seem plausible. It seems like my wife has learned a dangerous game.
In any case, the court had to summon both biological parents to appear in court. I will be able to hear the case then.
... and that's when my jaw hit the floor!
I saw the words assault and battery and my wife's name! At first I thought, "What am I being accused of now?!?" Then I calmed down and read the summons a bit more closely. Here is what is says:
He did on or about 12/17/08 unlawfully assault and batter his mother in violation of section 18.2-57.2 of the 1950 code of Virginia as amended.
Mother? Who did what? I looked up and saw the name of the accused ... my youngest son! Apparently my youngest son struck his mother in some form or fashion. Instead of handling this in the home, it was taken to the police! What?
My youngest son is not a big boy. He is 10 (just turned 10 this January) and he is not a large boy at all. He apparently struck his mother, but why didn't she deal with it? Why didn't she handle it at home? Why get the police involved? Does it seem like a pattern is emerging here to get the authorities involved when things aren't the way she would like them to be? To get the authorities involved when someone is not behaving the way she wants them to?
Now, let's face some facts: I have no real idea what happened. I was not there. I don't know anyone that was (outside of my family) and, because of the protective order, I cannot simply make a call and find out either. All I can do is speculate. But it seems to me that a mother should be able to handle a boy who was, at that time, nine years old!
When I met with the boys during my supervised visit yesterday, I asked my youngest about what happened. He said that he and his mother got into an argument. He said that his brother grabbed him and he pulled away and, in the process, accidentally hit his mom. He then said that this fueled the argument even more and then he purposefully hit her. According to what he said he did not use an item to hit his mom. He was nine at the time. He only comes up to my armpit (and I am a short to average height man). How much damage could he have done?
My son was wrong. No doubt about it. He should not have struck his mother. In fact, I told him to never do that again. I calmly told him that getting angry and striking another is not the way to solve problems and that, as he gets older, reacting this way can lead to more severe consequences. I reminded him that his mother is his mother and, as such, he should treat her with respect. He promised me that he would not strike her again and that he would try to control his anger.
Even so, as I think about this incident, I am furious! Why turn my son into the police? Why start him on the path to being a delinquent? What does she hope to accomplish by this action? If my son were to strike me and I thought the situation was getting out of hand, I might call a friend to help, but I would not call the police! This is my own flesh and blood! My son would have to do something a lot more than strike me to have me call the police on him!
Now, in a situation like mine, I cannot help but have suspicious thoughts. Again, I cannot talk to my wife to hear her side of this. However, there is a possible pattern here (and, I admit, this may be the farthest thing from what is actually going on). My youngest son has always been in my corner, so to speak. The first Sunday after my de-conversion he stayed home with me instead of going to church with my wife and the rest of his siblings. When I was arrested he was there and watched through the picture window as they put the cuffs on me. He has come to every single supervised visit without fail. My wife seems to have the attitude that whoever is with me is an enemy. Could she be viewing my son this way? Could she be punishing him for his allegiance to me? Yes, he struck her (according to his own admission to me)! Yes, that was wrong! But why call the police? Why make a ten-year-old appear before a judge?
I de-convert and upset my wife. The next thing I know, the authorities are at my door arresting me. My (then) nine-year-old son strikes my wife. The next thing you know there is a sworn affidavit forcing my son to appear in court about assaulting his mother. Too much of a coincidence? Maybe. Like I said, I could be totally wrong. But unfortunately it does seem plausible. It seems like my wife has learned a dangerous game.
In any case, the court had to summon both biological parents to appear in court. I will be able to hear the case then.
Finally Got to See Both Sons :)
Each Thursday I get to see my kids via supervised visitation. I get one hour. Yesterday both of my sons came to see me! It was great to finally see my oldest child as well as the youngest. As usual, we had a good time playing games like chess, throwing a ball and things like that, but we also got to talk and this was desperately needed.
And I'll tell you why ...
My oldest son barely smiled. In fact, he says that he has made a commitment to never smile again. He is 14, a teenager, and he is already going through a lot with the normal changes of that age. However, the stress and strain of this situation is not helping. My son loves me. Because of the way things are in the home, I believe he feels he has to take sides. It is either my side (his dad) or her side (his mom). And, from what I hear, my wife is not doing much to help in this situation. I'll give an example from what I gleaned from my talk with my sons.
I told them that they should write a letter to their grandfather (my dad) because he misses them and is worried about them. My oldest said to me, "Mom won't let us because she says that grandpa is on your side." This is as if to say, anyone who is on dad's side is the enemy and must be avoided! How sad! And how divisive. My wife seems to be doing all that she can to split this family into pieces. In fact, I know some people, who will remain nameless, that are friends with my wife and also with me. They have told me that they will not tell my wife that they have talked to me. Why? Because they fear that she will cut them off if she knew!
In any case, I needed to talk to my sons. I encouraged them to be loving and kind. I told them that getting mad and lashing out would not solve any of the problems that we are all facing at the moment and to have hope. I said to my oldest that the trial is not that far away and soon we can move forward with our lives ... that we just needed to hold on for a bit more and keep our chins up. When he told me that he had determined to no longer smile I looked at him very seriously and said very gently, "Son, if there is anyone in this room that should not be smiling from day to day, it is me. But I am smiling. And I have a great deal to smile about. You are one of the reasons I can smile today." And I encouraged him to find a reason to smile every day.
It is obvious that this situation has caused my son a lot of pain and he is becoming a withdrawn and angry young man. I encouraged him to try to come to each supervised meeting on Thursday so that we can talk, be with each other and all of that. Right now his homework schedule is quite heavy and this is what kept him from coming the last two times. I said he could bring his homework with him and I would be happy to help him with it. This actually perked him up a bit. He said, "Really?" And I said, "Of course."
I hurt for my sons. I hurt for my daughters, too, but I have not seen them since September 8th.
And I'll tell you why ...
My oldest son barely smiled. In fact, he says that he has made a commitment to never smile again. He is 14, a teenager, and he is already going through a lot with the normal changes of that age. However, the stress and strain of this situation is not helping. My son loves me. Because of the way things are in the home, I believe he feels he has to take sides. It is either my side (his dad) or her side (his mom). And, from what I hear, my wife is not doing much to help in this situation. I'll give an example from what I gleaned from my talk with my sons.
I told them that they should write a letter to their grandfather (my dad) because he misses them and is worried about them. My oldest said to me, "Mom won't let us because she says that grandpa is on your side." This is as if to say, anyone who is on dad's side is the enemy and must be avoided! How sad! And how divisive. My wife seems to be doing all that she can to split this family into pieces. In fact, I know some people, who will remain nameless, that are friends with my wife and also with me. They have told me that they will not tell my wife that they have talked to me. Why? Because they fear that she will cut them off if she knew!
In any case, I needed to talk to my sons. I encouraged them to be loving and kind. I told them that getting mad and lashing out would not solve any of the problems that we are all facing at the moment and to have hope. I said to my oldest that the trial is not that far away and soon we can move forward with our lives ... that we just needed to hold on for a bit more and keep our chins up. When he told me that he had determined to no longer smile I looked at him very seriously and said very gently, "Son, if there is anyone in this room that should not be smiling from day to day, it is me. But I am smiling. And I have a great deal to smile about. You are one of the reasons I can smile today." And I encouraged him to find a reason to smile every day.
It is obvious that this situation has caused my son a lot of pain and he is becoming a withdrawn and angry young man. I encouraged him to try to come to each supervised meeting on Thursday so that we can talk, be with each other and all of that. Right now his homework schedule is quite heavy and this is what kept him from coming the last two times. I said he could bring his homework with him and I would be happy to help him with it. This actually perked him up a bit. He said, "Really?" And I said, "Of course."
I hurt for my sons. I hurt for my daughters, too, but I have not seen them since September 8th.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
This is Painful ...
Today was the first of regularly scheduled visits with my kids. There is a third-party organization locally that supervises the visits. They ensure that an "exchange" takes place so that the alienated parent can see the children on their premises without encountering the other parent. For this to happen, I have to show up 30 minutes before the visitation time. They place me in the visitation room and 30 minutes later, when my wife comes, they escort the children in to see me. We can then spend an hour together. Once the children leave, I have to be locked back in the visitation room for an additional 15 minutes. This gives my wife enough time to get the kids and leave, ensuring that I don't accidentally cross her path.
But today was quite painful ...
I waited in the visitation room to see my children ... the highlight of my week! Finally, at the scheduled time, the door opens and in comes my youngest son! But that is all. I have four children, but only one came to visit me. I was not expecting the girls to come. After all, I have not seen them at all since I was arrested in September. But I was hoping to see my oldest son!
When I was first allowed to see my children (almost three months after my arrest) both of my boys came. Both said they had a wonderful time and both asked the Social Services worker if they could see me again and soon! The next visit was two weeks later and during that visit only the younger son showed up. That was about a week or so before Christmas. Once again, my oldest son didn't come to see me. My heart broke.
Don't get me wrong. I love all of my children. I had a great time with my youngest son during our visit together. We played chess. We talked about school. They even had a little basketball thing in the room and we played some of that. It was laughs and smiles and having a good time. But after he left I felt so empty inside. Where was my oldest? Why did he not show up? What is going on?
When things like this happen it is hard to control your thoughts. Of course, in a situation like this, it is easy to think all the bad things. But my oldest son is 14. He is a teenager. He might have problems of his own that he is dealing with. Then again, maybe not. And I cannot even make a phone call to find out! Could my son hate me right now? Could he be ashamed of me? Could it be that he is sick? I have no way of knowing and no way to find out either! All I know is that my heart is broken!
I called my dad after getting home from the visit. He had wanted me to call because he wanted to know how the visit went. I tried to sound normal on the phone, but after telling him that my oldest did not show up, I broke down, started to cry and had to get off the phone. This ... hurts!
I am completely cut off from my family. At the end of December my family moved. The contract was up on the home we were renting. Because of the protective order, I am not even allowed to know where they are living. How would you like it if you could not even know where your own wife and kids lived? Could not even know their phone number? And even if you did know, you couldn't stop by or give them a call! I am cut off!
When I went to the visitation place they made me empty my pockets. I could have nothing with me during the visit but the clothes on my back. While that may not seem very important (and, yes, even understandable considering some of the things this place has to deal with) it simply emphasized to me that I am cut off from my family. I could not even sit down with my child having my car keys in my pocket!
The visits are to be very week on Thursday evening. Frankly, I am having a hard time getting excited about them. Why? Because I can only take so much heart break. Yes! I want to be there for my youngest son (should he decide to come back next week) and I will be! But with the others not showing up ... that simply crushes me!
But today was quite painful ...
I waited in the visitation room to see my children ... the highlight of my week! Finally, at the scheduled time, the door opens and in comes my youngest son! But that is all. I have four children, but only one came to visit me. I was not expecting the girls to come. After all, I have not seen them at all since I was arrested in September. But I was hoping to see my oldest son!
When I was first allowed to see my children (almost three months after my arrest) both of my boys came. Both said they had a wonderful time and both asked the Social Services worker if they could see me again and soon! The next visit was two weeks later and during that visit only the younger son showed up. That was about a week or so before Christmas. Once again, my oldest son didn't come to see me. My heart broke.
Don't get me wrong. I love all of my children. I had a great time with my youngest son during our visit together. We played chess. We talked about school. They even had a little basketball thing in the room and we played some of that. It was laughs and smiles and having a good time. But after he left I felt so empty inside. Where was my oldest? Why did he not show up? What is going on?
When things like this happen it is hard to control your thoughts. Of course, in a situation like this, it is easy to think all the bad things. But my oldest son is 14. He is a teenager. He might have problems of his own that he is dealing with. Then again, maybe not. And I cannot even make a phone call to find out! Could my son hate me right now? Could he be ashamed of me? Could it be that he is sick? I have no way of knowing and no way to find out either! All I know is that my heart is broken!
I called my dad after getting home from the visit. He had wanted me to call because he wanted to know how the visit went. I tried to sound normal on the phone, but after telling him that my oldest did not show up, I broke down, started to cry and had to get off the phone. This ... hurts!
I am completely cut off from my family. At the end of December my family moved. The contract was up on the home we were renting. Because of the protective order, I am not even allowed to know where they are living. How would you like it if you could not even know where your own wife and kids lived? Could not even know their phone number? And even if you did know, you couldn't stop by or give them a call! I am cut off!
When I went to the visitation place they made me empty my pockets. I could have nothing with me during the visit but the clothes on my back. While that may not seem very important (and, yes, even understandable considering some of the things this place has to deal with) it simply emphasized to me that I am cut off from my family. I could not even sit down with my child having my car keys in my pocket!
The visits are to be very week on Thursday evening. Frankly, I am having a hard time getting excited about them. Why? Because I can only take so much heart break. Yes! I want to be there for my youngest son (should he decide to come back next week) and I will be! But with the others not showing up ... that simply crushes me!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
What Planet Were You From?!?
Some who are reading this blog may walk away shaking their heads wondering what kind of religion my family and I were mixed up in. Some of the folks posting comments here and emailing me come from a variety of backgrounds. Some grew up Catholic. Others were a part of some other Christian denomination. And some attended churches that had strict rules while others attended fellowships with very few rules. As a result of the diverse groups within the realm of Christianity, I believe it is important to let people know a bit about my Christian background. This may give some understanding to those that are not familiar with it and also help those that were a part of it understand where I have come from.
I did not come to believe in Jesus until I was 25 years old and I was not raised in a religious home. In fact, my father is Jewish (with a name like Silverman, who would have guessed?). So for the first part of my life religion really didn't factor into it. After accepting Jesus I began to attend an Independent Baptist church. The pastor thought I should go to Bible college and recommended that I attend Piedmont Bible College (now called Piedmont Baptist College). This school further taught me the concepts adhered to by many Independent Baptists.
The first thing I should say is that not every Independent Baptist church is the same. After all, they are "independent". But they do tend to stick to the same basic doctrines. After all, they are "Baptists". These doctrines, or teachings, would include such things as the divinity of Christ, the Trinity, salvation by grace through faith alone and the Bible consisting of the 66 books of the Old and New Testaments. Concerning the Bible, it was to be interpreted literally. This meant that the the common sense reading of the text was to be understood as what the Bible really meant. Therefore, if the Bible says that God created everything in six days and rested on the seventh, then there was no room for anything more than six literal 24-hour days. Another rule that governed us when it came to the Bible was to compare Scripture with Scripture in order to let the Bible interpret itself.
By this understanding, some Independent Baptist churches came to some strict conclusions concerning behavior and modesty. The man was to be the head of the household. All were to dress modestly and the women were to not adorn themselves with clothing that could be mistaken for men's clothes. Children were to be disciplined via corporal punishment. And there were many other such rules that came to govern us based on our understanding of the Bible as taken from a literal perspective.
As our family continued to study the Bible and attempt to apply it to our lives, we found our lives becoming more and more strict. We eventually had no TV in our home and movies were certainly out of the question. The only music we were to have was Christian (and certainly not Christian rock, rap or anything even remotely connected to today's music). My daughters were to dress in long, loose skirts, loose jumpers and dresses. They could not wear any kind of pants and certainly not shorts. Even when they went out to play they had to have on their jumpers. If they wanted to do cartwheels then they could put on sweats underneath their jumpers, but they could not wear them without their jumpers. The girls could not even have fingernail polish, though that was something my wife wanted and not strictly enforced by the church we were a part of.
On some occasions my daughters would come home and tell us that some of the neighborhood children had asked if we were Amish or Mennonite. They asked this because of how the girls dressed. Others, who were not members of our church, wondered the same thing when they went by our church and saw us worshiping. We simply did not look "Baptist" to them.
As we strove to remove more and more of the "world" from our home, life became more restrictive for our children. They started to make friends with the neighborhood kids, but soon my wife would worry about this. She would think that the "unsaved" children in the neighborhood would influence our children and possibly cause them to turn away from Christ. Frequently my wife would come to me and tell me that she did not want our children playing with the neighborhood kids. Eventually my children learned, for the most part, to play amongst themselves. My kids were not completely cut off from the people all around us. They were welcome to be witnesses and to tell people the Gospel!
Yes, as the head of the household, I was certainly moving in this direction. I am just as responsible for bringing this on my house and on my children as anyone else. I am not innocent here. But perhaps this little insight into our lives can help you to understand the background that I came from and where my wife still is.
I did not come to believe in Jesus until I was 25 years old and I was not raised in a religious home. In fact, my father is Jewish (with a name like Silverman, who would have guessed?). So for the first part of my life religion really didn't factor into it. After accepting Jesus I began to attend an Independent Baptist church. The pastor thought I should go to Bible college and recommended that I attend Piedmont Bible College (now called Piedmont Baptist College). This school further taught me the concepts adhered to by many Independent Baptists.
The first thing I should say is that not every Independent Baptist church is the same. After all, they are "independent". But they do tend to stick to the same basic doctrines. After all, they are "Baptists". These doctrines, or teachings, would include such things as the divinity of Christ, the Trinity, salvation by grace through faith alone and the Bible consisting of the 66 books of the Old and New Testaments. Concerning the Bible, it was to be interpreted literally. This meant that the the common sense reading of the text was to be understood as what the Bible really meant. Therefore, if the Bible says that God created everything in six days and rested on the seventh, then there was no room for anything more than six literal 24-hour days. Another rule that governed us when it came to the Bible was to compare Scripture with Scripture in order to let the Bible interpret itself.
By this understanding, some Independent Baptist churches came to some strict conclusions concerning behavior and modesty. The man was to be the head of the household. All were to dress modestly and the women were to not adorn themselves with clothing that could be mistaken for men's clothes. Children were to be disciplined via corporal punishment. And there were many other such rules that came to govern us based on our understanding of the Bible as taken from a literal perspective.
As our family continued to study the Bible and attempt to apply it to our lives, we found our lives becoming more and more strict. We eventually had no TV in our home and movies were certainly out of the question. The only music we were to have was Christian (and certainly not Christian rock, rap or anything even remotely connected to today's music). My daughters were to dress in long, loose skirts, loose jumpers and dresses. They could not wear any kind of pants and certainly not shorts. Even when they went out to play they had to have on their jumpers. If they wanted to do cartwheels then they could put on sweats underneath their jumpers, but they could not wear them without their jumpers. The girls could not even have fingernail polish, though that was something my wife wanted and not strictly enforced by the church we were a part of.
On some occasions my daughters would come home and tell us that some of the neighborhood children had asked if we were Amish or Mennonite. They asked this because of how the girls dressed. Others, who were not members of our church, wondered the same thing when they went by our church and saw us worshiping. We simply did not look "Baptist" to them.
As we strove to remove more and more of the "world" from our home, life became more restrictive for our children. They started to make friends with the neighborhood kids, but soon my wife would worry about this. She would think that the "unsaved" children in the neighborhood would influence our children and possibly cause them to turn away from Christ. Frequently my wife would come to me and tell me that she did not want our children playing with the neighborhood kids. Eventually my children learned, for the most part, to play amongst themselves. My kids were not completely cut off from the people all around us. They were welcome to be witnesses and to tell people the Gospel!
Yes, as the head of the household, I was certainly moving in this direction. I am just as responsible for bringing this on my house and on my children as anyone else. I am not innocent here. But perhaps this little insight into our lives can help you to understand the background that I came from and where my wife still is.
Want to Support Me?
I am stunned by the number of visits this blog has had today and the number of emails I have received! I can hardly keep up with it! Thank you! It is amazing and very uplifting!
Several of you had asked about helping in some way and some of you even asked about funds for my defense. Right from the get go I want to say that I did not create this blog to ask for funds from anyone. I believe that asking for money for my defense would cheapen the story. The purpose of this blog is to get the story out ... to tell my side of it, giving people the opportunity to think about the things I have written here.
Even so, some people might still want to help. If this is the case, then I have a suggestion. I am a professional graphic artist that specializes in traditional pencil and ink drawings, 2D computer graphic arts and 3D modeling. If any of you need any graphical work (web site graphics and layout, company logo designs, book covers (I have done dozens of novel covers that are in print), magazine covers, 3D models, etc) please feel free to contact me. I am more than willing to work for pay and, frankly, I need to rebuild my business after my involuntary vacation in jail. So if any of you need any graphical work done or know someone that does, please think of me. I am more than happy to forward you examples of my work. My web site for real-time 3D graphics can be found at the following URL:
http://www.m3dd.com
I am in the process of creating a resume site for the rest of my graphical work.
Thank you.
.
Several of you had asked about helping in some way and some of you even asked about funds for my defense. Right from the get go I want to say that I did not create this blog to ask for funds from anyone. I believe that asking for money for my defense would cheapen the story. The purpose of this blog is to get the story out ... to tell my side of it, giving people the opportunity to think about the things I have written here.
Even so, some people might still want to help. If this is the case, then I have a suggestion. I am a professional graphic artist that specializes in traditional pencil and ink drawings, 2D computer graphic arts and 3D modeling. If any of you need any graphical work (web site graphics and layout, company logo designs, book covers (I have done dozens of novel covers that are in print), magazine covers, 3D models, etc) please feel free to contact me. I am more than willing to work for pay and, frankly, I need to rebuild my business after my involuntary vacation in jail. So if any of you need any graphical work done or know someone that does, please think of me. I am more than happy to forward you examples of my work. My web site for real-time 3D graphics can be found at the following URL:
http://www.m3dd.com
I am in the process of creating a resume site for the rest of my graphical work.
Thank you.
.
Am I Angry?
I have received a lot of emails from people wondering why I seem so forgiving and stating that they would be very angry if they were going through what I am going through. So the question might be, "Am I angry?" That depends. I will try to express what I feel as well as what I am going through in this article.
If you have read My Story or the original articles on this blog, then you know I spent 50+ days in jail. Was I angry then? Yes! Most certainly! My first few days in jail I was frightened in so many ways. I had never been in jail before and I did not know what to expect. Also, the entire ordeal was just so unreal! One day I was celebrating my freedom of mind via my de-conversion and five days later I am being arrested!
After a few days, fear gave way to anger. I was angry that my wife had done this to me! I was angry at the pastor of that church! Several of us in jail would talk about what women had done to us and we would all get angry (and, no, I don't hate women)! But when I finally got out of jail on bond, I realized that I no longer really knew who I was!
You see, almost two decades as a Christian had formed me into who I was. My character (for the most part) and what I deemed "right" and "wrong" were all controlled by the Bible and by the standards of the church. Now that I was no longer under that authority, I was free, but I was also something new. I had to decide what I was and what I wanted to be. I decided that I didn't want to be an angry person. I decided that I did want people to treat me fairly and that I should treat them fairly. I wanted people to give me the benefit of the doubt and so I decided to give others that same benefit.
Now, I don't always succeed. All of this is still very fresh to me ... I am still going through it. And so, from time to time, I do get quite upset. At other times I simply break down, sob and loose it. I feel quite betrayed. However, I bet my wife does, too. Her reasons for feeling betrayed, I believe, are based on her understanding of the Bible and her desire that our entire family would faithfully serve God all our days. My reasons are obvious to most people who read this blog.
All in all, I am not angry ... not at the moment ;) . That could change. I get hate mail (via email) and things like this. I get people who don't know the accusation against me who speak about this case and use words like "rape". This all has the potential to make me angry. But I want to be the better person.
You know, now that I think about it. As a Christian I had a bit of anger. I would yell in my house from time to time when things weren't going well. But, since leaving the faith, I have not been tempted to yell at all. It is amazing to me that I found peace as I have, despite my circumstances, OUTSIDE of the Christian faith.
If you have read My Story or the original articles on this blog, then you know I spent 50+ days in jail. Was I angry then? Yes! Most certainly! My first few days in jail I was frightened in so many ways. I had never been in jail before and I did not know what to expect. Also, the entire ordeal was just so unreal! One day I was celebrating my freedom of mind via my de-conversion and five days later I am being arrested!
After a few days, fear gave way to anger. I was angry that my wife had done this to me! I was angry at the pastor of that church! Several of us in jail would talk about what women had done to us and we would all get angry (and, no, I don't hate women)! But when I finally got out of jail on bond, I realized that I no longer really knew who I was!
You see, almost two decades as a Christian had formed me into who I was. My character (for the most part) and what I deemed "right" and "wrong" were all controlled by the Bible and by the standards of the church. Now that I was no longer under that authority, I was free, but I was also something new. I had to decide what I was and what I wanted to be. I decided that I didn't want to be an angry person. I decided that I did want people to treat me fairly and that I should treat them fairly. I wanted people to give me the benefit of the doubt and so I decided to give others that same benefit.
Now, I don't always succeed. All of this is still very fresh to me ... I am still going through it. And so, from time to time, I do get quite upset. At other times I simply break down, sob and loose it. I feel quite betrayed. However, I bet my wife does, too. Her reasons for feeling betrayed, I believe, are based on her understanding of the Bible and her desire that our entire family would faithfully serve God all our days. My reasons are obvious to most people who read this blog.
All in all, I am not angry ... not at the moment ;) . That could change. I get hate mail (via email) and things like this. I get people who don't know the accusation against me who speak about this case and use words like "rape". This all has the potential to make me angry. But I want to be the better person.
You know, now that I think about it. As a Christian I had a bit of anger. I would yell in my house from time to time when things weren't going well. But, since leaving the faith, I have not been tempted to yell at all. It is amazing to me that I found peace as I have, despite my circumstances, OUTSIDE of the Christian faith.
Using Judgment ...
My blog and my story have been picked up by a few people in recent days and, as a result, I am getting a lot more comments and emails than normal. Thank you ... all of you ... both Christian and non-Christian. I do appreciate it.
Having said that, I would humbly ask that we be careful how we judge my wife. There are a few things that I would ask us all to understand:
1) Despite all that I have revealed in this blog, I cannot share all the events about this case. There are some things that I just cannot talk about legally. This means that this blog does not and cannot contain all the information needed for anyone to really judge either side of this. Yes! I maintain my innocence! However, the readers of this blog cannot have all the facts.
2) The accusation did not originate with my wife. Therefore I don't believe that she is "lying". I think that she is choosing to believe that I am guilty. The main reason for this is that she believes that, without Christ, a person has no moral under pinning and, as a result, any evil is possible without the Holy Spirit's indwelling. This accusation may have become an easy way to remove the "heathen" influence from the home (and that, in and of itself is wrong, in my opinion), but this does not mean that my wife is purposefully lying.
3) Just as it is not right that so many have judged me by what others are saying about me without being willing to hear my side of the story, it is equally wrong (in my opinion) to judge in my favor without hearing the other side of the story. I certainly maintain that I am innocent. However, I respect the fact that there are two sides to the story and this blog only represents my side.
I certainly would not tell any of you to not share your thoughts, ideas and opinions about all of this, but I would ask for caution. If I am asking people to treat me fairly, then I would want them to treat my wife fairly as well. I had determined a long time ago not be angry at how I am being treated. I went through anger while in jail and, for the most part, I am over it.
For any questions that go beyond what I can reveal on this blog, please use my email address. It is on the left side. I will do my best to answer each and every email I get.
Thank you.
.
Having said that, I would humbly ask that we be careful how we judge my wife. There are a few things that I would ask us all to understand:
1) Despite all that I have revealed in this blog, I cannot share all the events about this case. There are some things that I just cannot talk about legally. This means that this blog does not and cannot contain all the information needed for anyone to really judge either side of this. Yes! I maintain my innocence! However, the readers of this blog cannot have all the facts.
2) The accusation did not originate with my wife. Therefore I don't believe that she is "lying". I think that she is choosing to believe that I am guilty. The main reason for this is that she believes that, without Christ, a person has no moral under pinning and, as a result, any evil is possible without the Holy Spirit's indwelling. This accusation may have become an easy way to remove the "heathen" influence from the home (and that, in and of itself is wrong, in my opinion), but this does not mean that my wife is purposefully lying.
3) Just as it is not right that so many have judged me by what others are saying about me without being willing to hear my side of the story, it is equally wrong (in my opinion) to judge in my favor without hearing the other side of the story. I certainly maintain that I am innocent. However, I respect the fact that there are two sides to the story and this blog only represents my side.
I certainly would not tell any of you to not share your thoughts, ideas and opinions about all of this, but I would ask for caution. If I am asking people to treat me fairly, then I would want them to treat my wife fairly as well. I had determined a long time ago not be angry at how I am being treated. I went through anger while in jail and, for the most part, I am over it.
For any questions that go beyond what I can reveal on this blog, please use my email address. It is on the left side. I will do my best to answer each and every email I get.
Thank you.
.
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