Several articles ago I had stated that my intention was to remove this blog. I did not see that it was doing any good at the time. However, since that article I have received numerous emails and messages asking me to please reconsider. The number of emails and reasons given were very convincing. As a result and as you can see, I have decided to keep the blog up and to keep posting!
Thank you, all of you, for your encouragement!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
No Show for Visitation ... Family Further Splintered!
I don't have a lot to update folks about recently concerning my case and that is why posts have been rather slow. I did want to let people know that none of my children showed up at the last visitation. According to the policy of the place, if one party or the other cannot show up they are supposed to call in and let the people know. Not showing up affects several parties: the parent coming for the visit or the children coming for the visit and the counselor and security personnel.
They let me wait until about 15 minutes past the time the visit was supposed to begin and then they sent me home. The counselor said she tried to call all concerned and was not able to get anyone on the phone. As a result, neither the counselor nor myself knew the reason why no one showed up.
I talked to the social services case worker the next day as I had a number of reasons to speak with her. I found out that my youngest son, the one that my wife charged with assault and battery, is not living in the same home as the rest of his family! In other words, he is in another person's house away from his brother and sisters! It seems like my entire family is slowly being torn apart! Some are being torn within, like my oldest son who claims he refuses to smile. Others have been torn from their family all together!
I asked the social services case worker why my son was not living with the rest of the family and asked if it had to do with the assault and battery charge (in other words, did the authorities decide to remove him from the home). She told me that this was not the reason. Apparently my wife and children are living with another family in their home. According to the case worker, my youngest son was displaying attitudes and behaviors that were not tolerable by that family. As a result, my son was removed from the home and sent somewhere else to live!
Now, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have allowed this to happen as their father! I realize that I don't have all the facts. I am sure that I have very few of them. I don't know how destructive my son's behavior was. I was not there and no one is telling me what happened. Even so, this is MY SON! My flesh and blood! If something comes between me and my children, then the "something" is what needs to go, not the child! If I was living in someone else's home and my children were bothering the owners, I would find a way to leave with my family ... not send away one of my children! In other words, if there is a choice between a friend and my child, I choose my child! I don't care how hard this makes my circumstances. I don't care how much I needed the help (i.e. couldn't afford rent, no job, etc). I would strive to find a way to keep the family whole before I would send my child off to live with someone else!
I realize that this situation is hard on my wife, but what is she thinking? Why is it so easy for her to remove her son from the home? Some may say that it was not an easy thing, that I don't know what really happened. I would say, you are right that I don't know what happened. But I do know that a mother should be willing to do all (and more) for her own child! I mother should be willing to lay down her life for her child! And, as far as I can see, this should never have happened!
My wife was willing to sacrifice me and 15 years of marriage because of my de-conversion. My behavior was no longer pleasing to her. It has been almost 6 months since she has talked to me in any way, shape or form. The pastor at Heritage Baptist Church tried to get my wife to reconcile with me while I was still in jail. She left the church and refuses to have communication with him. His behavior was no longer pleasing to her and she cast off both him and his church. My wife has charged my ten-year-old son with assault and battery and now he is living outside of the home. Apparently his behavior is no longer pleasing to her as well. Who's next? Who will cease to be deemed pleasing in her sight and be cast off in one way or another?
They let me wait until about 15 minutes past the time the visit was supposed to begin and then they sent me home. The counselor said she tried to call all concerned and was not able to get anyone on the phone. As a result, neither the counselor nor myself knew the reason why no one showed up.
I talked to the social services case worker the next day as I had a number of reasons to speak with her. I found out that my youngest son, the one that my wife charged with assault and battery, is not living in the same home as the rest of his family! In other words, he is in another person's house away from his brother and sisters! It seems like my entire family is slowly being torn apart! Some are being torn within, like my oldest son who claims he refuses to smile. Others have been torn from their family all together!
I asked the social services case worker why my son was not living with the rest of the family and asked if it had to do with the assault and battery charge (in other words, did the authorities decide to remove him from the home). She told me that this was not the reason. Apparently my wife and children are living with another family in their home. According to the case worker, my youngest son was displaying attitudes and behaviors that were not tolerable by that family. As a result, my son was removed from the home and sent somewhere else to live!
Now, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have allowed this to happen as their father! I realize that I don't have all the facts. I am sure that I have very few of them. I don't know how destructive my son's behavior was. I was not there and no one is telling me what happened. Even so, this is MY SON! My flesh and blood! If something comes between me and my children, then the "something" is what needs to go, not the child! If I was living in someone else's home and my children were bothering the owners, I would find a way to leave with my family ... not send away one of my children! In other words, if there is a choice between a friend and my child, I choose my child! I don't care how hard this makes my circumstances. I don't care how much I needed the help (i.e. couldn't afford rent, no job, etc). I would strive to find a way to keep the family whole before I would send my child off to live with someone else!
I realize that this situation is hard on my wife, but what is she thinking? Why is it so easy for her to remove her son from the home? Some may say that it was not an easy thing, that I don't know what really happened. I would say, you are right that I don't know what happened. But I do know that a mother should be willing to do all (and more) for her own child! I mother should be willing to lay down her life for her child! And, as far as I can see, this should never have happened!
My wife was willing to sacrifice me and 15 years of marriage because of my de-conversion. My behavior was no longer pleasing to her. It has been almost 6 months since she has talked to me in any way, shape or form. The pastor at Heritage Baptist Church tried to get my wife to reconcile with me while I was still in jail. She left the church and refuses to have communication with him. His behavior was no longer pleasing to her and she cast off both him and his church. My wife has charged my ten-year-old son with assault and battery and now he is living outside of the home. Apparently his behavior is no longer pleasing to her as well. Who's next? Who will cease to be deemed pleasing in her sight and be cast off in one way or another?
Friday, January 16, 2009
Another Court Date ... But Not for Me!
I hesitated to post this, but I think it is important. The day before yesterday a policeman shows up at my door. Any more, I am concerned whenever a policeman shows up. If you are familiar with my story, then I am sure you can understand why. The policeman, being a civil servant, was there simply to give me a summons to appear in court. I thanked him and he went on his way. I then sat down to read the summons...
... and that's when my jaw hit the floor!
I saw the words assault and battery and my wife's name! At first I thought, "What am I being accused of now?!?" Then I calmed down and read the summons a bit more closely. Here is what is says:
He did on or about 12/17/08 unlawfully assault and batter his mother in violation of section 18.2-57.2 of the 1950 code of Virginia as amended.
Mother? Who did what? I looked up and saw the name of the accused ... my youngest son! Apparently my youngest son struck his mother in some form or fashion. Instead of handling this in the home, it was taken to the police! What?
My youngest son is not a big boy. He is 10 (just turned 10 this January) and he is not a large boy at all. He apparently struck his mother, but why didn't she deal with it? Why didn't she handle it at home? Why get the police involved? Does it seem like a pattern is emerging here to get the authorities involved when things aren't the way she would like them to be? To get the authorities involved when someone is not behaving the way she wants them to?
Now, let's face some facts: I have no real idea what happened. I was not there. I don't know anyone that was (outside of my family) and, because of the protective order, I cannot simply make a call and find out either. All I can do is speculate. But it seems to me that a mother should be able to handle a boy who was, at that time, nine years old!
When I met with the boys during my supervised visit yesterday, I asked my youngest about what happened. He said that he and his mother got into an argument. He said that his brother grabbed him and he pulled away and, in the process, accidentally hit his mom. He then said that this fueled the argument even more and then he purposefully hit her. According to what he said he did not use an item to hit his mom. He was nine at the time. He only comes up to my armpit (and I am a short to average height man). How much damage could he have done?
My son was wrong. No doubt about it. He should not have struck his mother. In fact, I told him to never do that again. I calmly told him that getting angry and striking another is not the way to solve problems and that, as he gets older, reacting this way can lead to more severe consequences. I reminded him that his mother is his mother and, as such, he should treat her with respect. He promised me that he would not strike her again and that he would try to control his anger.
Even so, as I think about this incident, I am furious! Why turn my son into the police? Why start him on the path to being a delinquent? What does she hope to accomplish by this action? If my son were to strike me and I thought the situation was getting out of hand, I might call a friend to help, but I would not call the police! This is my own flesh and blood! My son would have to do something a lot more than strike me to have me call the police on him!
Now, in a situation like mine, I cannot help but have suspicious thoughts. Again, I cannot talk to my wife to hear her side of this. However, there is a possible pattern here (and, I admit, this may be the farthest thing from what is actually going on). My youngest son has always been in my corner, so to speak. The first Sunday after my de-conversion he stayed home with me instead of going to church with my wife and the rest of his siblings. When I was arrested he was there and watched through the picture window as they put the cuffs on me. He has come to every single supervised visit without fail. My wife seems to have the attitude that whoever is with me is an enemy. Could she be viewing my son this way? Could she be punishing him for his allegiance to me? Yes, he struck her (according to his own admission to me)! Yes, that was wrong! But why call the police? Why make a ten-year-old appear before a judge?
I de-convert and upset my wife. The next thing I know, the authorities are at my door arresting me. My (then) nine-year-old son strikes my wife. The next thing you know there is a sworn affidavit forcing my son to appear in court about assaulting his mother. Too much of a coincidence? Maybe. Like I said, I could be totally wrong. But unfortunately it does seem plausible. It seems like my wife has learned a dangerous game.
In any case, the court had to summon both biological parents to appear in court. I will be able to hear the case then.
... and that's when my jaw hit the floor!
I saw the words assault and battery and my wife's name! At first I thought, "What am I being accused of now?!?" Then I calmed down and read the summons a bit more closely. Here is what is says:
He did on or about 12/17/08 unlawfully assault and batter his mother in violation of section 18.2-57.2 of the 1950 code of Virginia as amended.
Mother? Who did what? I looked up and saw the name of the accused ... my youngest son! Apparently my youngest son struck his mother in some form or fashion. Instead of handling this in the home, it was taken to the police! What?
My youngest son is not a big boy. He is 10 (just turned 10 this January) and he is not a large boy at all. He apparently struck his mother, but why didn't she deal with it? Why didn't she handle it at home? Why get the police involved? Does it seem like a pattern is emerging here to get the authorities involved when things aren't the way she would like them to be? To get the authorities involved when someone is not behaving the way she wants them to?
Now, let's face some facts: I have no real idea what happened. I was not there. I don't know anyone that was (outside of my family) and, because of the protective order, I cannot simply make a call and find out either. All I can do is speculate. But it seems to me that a mother should be able to handle a boy who was, at that time, nine years old!
When I met with the boys during my supervised visit yesterday, I asked my youngest about what happened. He said that he and his mother got into an argument. He said that his brother grabbed him and he pulled away and, in the process, accidentally hit his mom. He then said that this fueled the argument even more and then he purposefully hit her. According to what he said he did not use an item to hit his mom. He was nine at the time. He only comes up to my armpit (and I am a short to average height man). How much damage could he have done?
My son was wrong. No doubt about it. He should not have struck his mother. In fact, I told him to never do that again. I calmly told him that getting angry and striking another is not the way to solve problems and that, as he gets older, reacting this way can lead to more severe consequences. I reminded him that his mother is his mother and, as such, he should treat her with respect. He promised me that he would not strike her again and that he would try to control his anger.
Even so, as I think about this incident, I am furious! Why turn my son into the police? Why start him on the path to being a delinquent? What does she hope to accomplish by this action? If my son were to strike me and I thought the situation was getting out of hand, I might call a friend to help, but I would not call the police! This is my own flesh and blood! My son would have to do something a lot more than strike me to have me call the police on him!
Now, in a situation like mine, I cannot help but have suspicious thoughts. Again, I cannot talk to my wife to hear her side of this. However, there is a possible pattern here (and, I admit, this may be the farthest thing from what is actually going on). My youngest son has always been in my corner, so to speak. The first Sunday after my de-conversion he stayed home with me instead of going to church with my wife and the rest of his siblings. When I was arrested he was there and watched through the picture window as they put the cuffs on me. He has come to every single supervised visit without fail. My wife seems to have the attitude that whoever is with me is an enemy. Could she be viewing my son this way? Could she be punishing him for his allegiance to me? Yes, he struck her (according to his own admission to me)! Yes, that was wrong! But why call the police? Why make a ten-year-old appear before a judge?
I de-convert and upset my wife. The next thing I know, the authorities are at my door arresting me. My (then) nine-year-old son strikes my wife. The next thing you know there is a sworn affidavit forcing my son to appear in court about assaulting his mother. Too much of a coincidence? Maybe. Like I said, I could be totally wrong. But unfortunately it does seem plausible. It seems like my wife has learned a dangerous game.
In any case, the court had to summon both biological parents to appear in court. I will be able to hear the case then.
Finally Got to See Both Sons :)
Each Thursday I get to see my kids via supervised visitation. I get one hour. Yesterday both of my sons came to see me! It was great to finally see my oldest child as well as the youngest. As usual, we had a good time playing games like chess, throwing a ball and things like that, but we also got to talk and this was desperately needed.
And I'll tell you why ...
My oldest son barely smiled. In fact, he says that he has made a commitment to never smile again. He is 14, a teenager, and he is already going through a lot with the normal changes of that age. However, the stress and strain of this situation is not helping. My son loves me. Because of the way things are in the home, I believe he feels he has to take sides. It is either my side (his dad) or her side (his mom). And, from what I hear, my wife is not doing much to help in this situation. I'll give an example from what I gleaned from my talk with my sons.
I told them that they should write a letter to their grandfather (my dad) because he misses them and is worried about them. My oldest said to me, "Mom won't let us because she says that grandpa is on your side." This is as if to say, anyone who is on dad's side is the enemy and must be avoided! How sad! And how divisive. My wife seems to be doing all that she can to split this family into pieces. In fact, I know some people, who will remain nameless, that are friends with my wife and also with me. They have told me that they will not tell my wife that they have talked to me. Why? Because they fear that she will cut them off if she knew!
In any case, I needed to talk to my sons. I encouraged them to be loving and kind. I told them that getting mad and lashing out would not solve any of the problems that we are all facing at the moment and to have hope. I said to my oldest that the trial is not that far away and soon we can move forward with our lives ... that we just needed to hold on for a bit more and keep our chins up. When he told me that he had determined to no longer smile I looked at him very seriously and said very gently, "Son, if there is anyone in this room that should not be smiling from day to day, it is me. But I am smiling. And I have a great deal to smile about. You are one of the reasons I can smile today." And I encouraged him to find a reason to smile every day.
It is obvious that this situation has caused my son a lot of pain and he is becoming a withdrawn and angry young man. I encouraged him to try to come to each supervised meeting on Thursday so that we can talk, be with each other and all of that. Right now his homework schedule is quite heavy and this is what kept him from coming the last two times. I said he could bring his homework with him and I would be happy to help him with it. This actually perked him up a bit. He said, "Really?" And I said, "Of course."
I hurt for my sons. I hurt for my daughters, too, but I have not seen them since September 8th.
And I'll tell you why ...
My oldest son barely smiled. In fact, he says that he has made a commitment to never smile again. He is 14, a teenager, and he is already going through a lot with the normal changes of that age. However, the stress and strain of this situation is not helping. My son loves me. Because of the way things are in the home, I believe he feels he has to take sides. It is either my side (his dad) or her side (his mom). And, from what I hear, my wife is not doing much to help in this situation. I'll give an example from what I gleaned from my talk with my sons.
I told them that they should write a letter to their grandfather (my dad) because he misses them and is worried about them. My oldest said to me, "Mom won't let us because she says that grandpa is on your side." This is as if to say, anyone who is on dad's side is the enemy and must be avoided! How sad! And how divisive. My wife seems to be doing all that she can to split this family into pieces. In fact, I know some people, who will remain nameless, that are friends with my wife and also with me. They have told me that they will not tell my wife that they have talked to me. Why? Because they fear that she will cut them off if she knew!
In any case, I needed to talk to my sons. I encouraged them to be loving and kind. I told them that getting mad and lashing out would not solve any of the problems that we are all facing at the moment and to have hope. I said to my oldest that the trial is not that far away and soon we can move forward with our lives ... that we just needed to hold on for a bit more and keep our chins up. When he told me that he had determined to no longer smile I looked at him very seriously and said very gently, "Son, if there is anyone in this room that should not be smiling from day to day, it is me. But I am smiling. And I have a great deal to smile about. You are one of the reasons I can smile today." And I encouraged him to find a reason to smile every day.
It is obvious that this situation has caused my son a lot of pain and he is becoming a withdrawn and angry young man. I encouraged him to try to come to each supervised meeting on Thursday so that we can talk, be with each other and all of that. Right now his homework schedule is quite heavy and this is what kept him from coming the last two times. I said he could bring his homework with him and I would be happy to help him with it. This actually perked him up a bit. He said, "Really?" And I said, "Of course."
I hurt for my sons. I hurt for my daughters, too, but I have not seen them since September 8th.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
This is Painful ...
Today was the first of regularly scheduled visits with my kids. There is a third-party organization locally that supervises the visits. They ensure that an "exchange" takes place so that the alienated parent can see the children on their premises without encountering the other parent. For this to happen, I have to show up 30 minutes before the visitation time. They place me in the visitation room and 30 minutes later, when my wife comes, they escort the children in to see me. We can then spend an hour together. Once the children leave, I have to be locked back in the visitation room for an additional 15 minutes. This gives my wife enough time to get the kids and leave, ensuring that I don't accidentally cross her path.
But today was quite painful ...
I waited in the visitation room to see my children ... the highlight of my week! Finally, at the scheduled time, the door opens and in comes my youngest son! But that is all. I have four children, but only one came to visit me. I was not expecting the girls to come. After all, I have not seen them at all since I was arrested in September. But I was hoping to see my oldest son!
When I was first allowed to see my children (almost three months after my arrest) both of my boys came. Both said they had a wonderful time and both asked the Social Services worker if they could see me again and soon! The next visit was two weeks later and during that visit only the younger son showed up. That was about a week or so before Christmas. Once again, my oldest son didn't come to see me. My heart broke.
Don't get me wrong. I love all of my children. I had a great time with my youngest son during our visit together. We played chess. We talked about school. They even had a little basketball thing in the room and we played some of that. It was laughs and smiles and having a good time. But after he left I felt so empty inside. Where was my oldest? Why did he not show up? What is going on?
When things like this happen it is hard to control your thoughts. Of course, in a situation like this, it is easy to think all the bad things. But my oldest son is 14. He is a teenager. He might have problems of his own that he is dealing with. Then again, maybe not. And I cannot even make a phone call to find out! Could my son hate me right now? Could he be ashamed of me? Could it be that he is sick? I have no way of knowing and no way to find out either! All I know is that my heart is broken!
I called my dad after getting home from the visit. He had wanted me to call because he wanted to know how the visit went. I tried to sound normal on the phone, but after telling him that my oldest did not show up, I broke down, started to cry and had to get off the phone. This ... hurts!
I am completely cut off from my family. At the end of December my family moved. The contract was up on the home we were renting. Because of the protective order, I am not even allowed to know where they are living. How would you like it if you could not even know where your own wife and kids lived? Could not even know their phone number? And even if you did know, you couldn't stop by or give them a call! I am cut off!
When I went to the visitation place they made me empty my pockets. I could have nothing with me during the visit but the clothes on my back. While that may not seem very important (and, yes, even understandable considering some of the things this place has to deal with) it simply emphasized to me that I am cut off from my family. I could not even sit down with my child having my car keys in my pocket!
The visits are to be very week on Thursday evening. Frankly, I am having a hard time getting excited about them. Why? Because I can only take so much heart break. Yes! I want to be there for my youngest son (should he decide to come back next week) and I will be! But with the others not showing up ... that simply crushes me!
But today was quite painful ...
I waited in the visitation room to see my children ... the highlight of my week! Finally, at the scheduled time, the door opens and in comes my youngest son! But that is all. I have four children, but only one came to visit me. I was not expecting the girls to come. After all, I have not seen them at all since I was arrested in September. But I was hoping to see my oldest son!
When I was first allowed to see my children (almost three months after my arrest) both of my boys came. Both said they had a wonderful time and both asked the Social Services worker if they could see me again and soon! The next visit was two weeks later and during that visit only the younger son showed up. That was about a week or so before Christmas. Once again, my oldest son didn't come to see me. My heart broke.
Don't get me wrong. I love all of my children. I had a great time with my youngest son during our visit together. We played chess. We talked about school. They even had a little basketball thing in the room and we played some of that. It was laughs and smiles and having a good time. But after he left I felt so empty inside. Where was my oldest? Why did he not show up? What is going on?
When things like this happen it is hard to control your thoughts. Of course, in a situation like this, it is easy to think all the bad things. But my oldest son is 14. He is a teenager. He might have problems of his own that he is dealing with. Then again, maybe not. And I cannot even make a phone call to find out! Could my son hate me right now? Could he be ashamed of me? Could it be that he is sick? I have no way of knowing and no way to find out either! All I know is that my heart is broken!
I called my dad after getting home from the visit. He had wanted me to call because he wanted to know how the visit went. I tried to sound normal on the phone, but after telling him that my oldest did not show up, I broke down, started to cry and had to get off the phone. This ... hurts!
I am completely cut off from my family. At the end of December my family moved. The contract was up on the home we were renting. Because of the protective order, I am not even allowed to know where they are living. How would you like it if you could not even know where your own wife and kids lived? Could not even know their phone number? And even if you did know, you couldn't stop by or give them a call! I am cut off!
When I went to the visitation place they made me empty my pockets. I could have nothing with me during the visit but the clothes on my back. While that may not seem very important (and, yes, even understandable considering some of the things this place has to deal with) it simply emphasized to me that I am cut off from my family. I could not even sit down with my child having my car keys in my pocket!
The visits are to be very week on Thursday evening. Frankly, I am having a hard time getting excited about them. Why? Because I can only take so much heart break. Yes! I want to be there for my youngest son (should he decide to come back next week) and I will be! But with the others not showing up ... that simply crushes me!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
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