Several of you have asked me why I left the faith. What where the reasons? Why did I do it? How could I leave after 17 years of service to Christ? Some just decided to accuse right from the beginning, believing me to have been a liar and a deceiver for the last 17 years of my life. All sorts of ideas and theories seem to be floating around within the circle that I had once walked in.
Some wonder how long it took me to de-convert (the word used by those that have left the faith). I had stated that the process took me about two weeks and some struggle with that idea. How could I have taught the Bible for so long, become a pastor and a missionary and then leave it all after about two weeks? As with most things in life, it is a bit complex. It was a two-week process, but it was also a 17 year process. And not only was it a 17 year process, but the process of a lifetime as well.
Let's do a brief recap of the beginning. At the age of 25, while still in the Marine Corps, I had come to a place where I wanted to find answers to some questions that I believed were meaningful. I wanted to know if the concept of god were a true one or not and, if so, what was to be done about it. I started by going to the battalion chaplen, who was a Roman Catholic priest. When he found out that I was from Jewish stock (as if the name Silverman did not clue him into that fact) he promptly closed the conversation and sent me to the base rabbi, claiming that I was simply in search of my roots! I met with the rabbi, who preceded to tell me something that sounded like Star Wars theology. God, to him, was a force out there, somewhere, that we could all tap into. His answers did not satisfy me and so I left, still searching.
To make a very long story short, I eventually met up with a pastor of an Independent Baptist church near Winston-Salem, North Carolina. He talked to me, tried to explain some things to me and eventually gave me my first Bible. I took it with me and read it. I became fascinated with the Bible. Within were stories that I had not heard before. I did not understand a lot of what I was reading, but I wanted to know more. Eventually I was witnessed to by a friend. I stayed at their house one evening and they handed me a tape by an evangelist named David Benoit (not the musician by the same name). In the tape David explained about the plan of salvation. Toward the end of the tape I came to believe that I was a lost sinner, in need of a savior!
It was at about midnight on Friday, June the first. I was convicted. I walked out of the guest room that I was staying in clutching my Bible to my chest and having a concerned look on my face. The owner of the home happened to come out of their room at about the same time. They saw the look on my face and said, "What's wrong?"
I responded, "I need to get saved!"
The person answered, "Praise the Lord!"
After that, they led me through a sinner's prayer. I don't recall exactly what was said, but I do recall that I felt different. I believed I was forgiven! That Sunday I was baptized by Pastor Mike Duffield of Victory Baptist Church in Clemmons, North Carolina. My life changed forever from that weekend onward.
I was still in the Marine Corps at the time and had several months left before completing my active duty contract. While still serving, I met another Christian on base who began to teach and train me. I learned how to read my Bible, how to compare one passage with another and even how to use a concordance. I was taught that the Bible was the word of god, without error! I was told that all the answers a man needed could be found within its pages. I was shown that, in order to truly please god, one needed to attempt to model their life as closely to what was spoken of within the pages of the Bible and that the holy spirit of god would be there to help us do just that (as long as we relied on him and not our own strength).
After getting out of the Marines, I began to attend school at Piedmont Bible College (now called Piedmont Baptist College) in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. It was there that I met my wife and soon I was married. After completing my year at PBC, I then transferred to the Institute of Biblical Studies with the Friends of Israel Gospel Ministries where I completed their nine-month intensive training program. This school is now a part of the Philadelphia Biblical University and its name is now the Institute of Jewish Studies or IJS.
From all the training and discipling that I had received, I had learned much about how to work with the Bible. In fact, I was soon teaching Sunday School classes, leading evangelism classes and teams and devoting much of my time to prayer. After getting married, both my wife and I sought to find churches that would be interested in learning about reaching Jewish people with the Gospel of the Jewish messiah, Jesus. I specialized in such things as teaching the messianic prophecies and I even developed an eight week course called the Biblical Perspective of Israel (BPI). In fact, I recently had a Christian friend, knowing that I had de-converted, contact me and ask if I would mind giving him my course notes on BPI as he intended to teach it one day!
One thing led to another as time moved on. I became an elder in one church, was sent to another church to be their interim pastor and eventually went to the land of Israel to serve as a missionary there. After serving there for four-and-a-half years, our family came back to the United States to help take care of my wife's mother.
During these years there were a lot of things that caught my attention. While I don't recall ever doubting my salvation, I do recall having many questions. I can recall reading passages of the Bible, studying them out and trying to reconcile them, but not being able to do so with the doctrine and dogma of the church. I can recall further researching the writings of other theologians, both ancient and modern, to see how they resolved the issues and finding that many did not agree with each other and that they all seemed to be jumping through some form of theological hurdle in order to try to match biblical teaching with dogma. This troubled me.
Even though this was troubling, I was told, and had read, that there was an enemy seeking to devour us: the devil! And this being, as well as the minions that served him, had the ability to implant thoughts into our very minds! Not only that, but the Bible itself said that our very hearts, the very essence of who we are, were deceiptful above all things and desperately wicked! This meant that even my own thoughts could not be trusted. After all, they could be implanted by the devil or his minions or they could have originated with my own deceitful and wicked heart! The only thing left to do was to rely on god's spirit and god's word! But the issue was that I was seeing problems with god's word!
I knew that we were in a spiritual warfare. I knew that the devil did not like the word of god going forth. I knew that the devil had a plan, no matter how hopeless it was, to take down god and to ascend to his throne. And so I came to believe that these negative thoughts about the Bible ... the seeing of possible problems within the Scriptures ... were nothing more than a part of that warfare. As a result, I simply cast out the thoughts in the name of Jesus and moved on. Little did I realize that my subconscious was hanging on to these thoughts and working through them little by little.
But biblical problems were not the only things that caught my attention. I was confused between what I was reading in the Bible and what I was seeing in real life. I saw that the believers in the Bible had received the spirit of god and that this spirit, despite human flaws, brought men into a unique harmony one with another. Oh, there were problems. Paul had to withstand Peter. Peter had to be convinced to take the Gospel message to the Gentiles. But the spirit of god always overcame these issues and a oneness was achieved. Sure, there were letters, like those written to the Corinthians, but the goal was oneness and like-mindedness. But I was not seeing this in the church. And as I worked as a leader, seeing what went on behind closed doors, I saw even less oneness of mind than I saw outside in the pews!
I also found that, in the Bible, god was good about directing his people. Paul would receive a vision telling him which direction to go in order to bring the Gospel to a needy people. People would pray and god would answer in an unmistakable way. The Bible was rife with stories such as this to the point that it seemed like it was the norm for the believer. However, I never saw this in the church (and I served in quite a few during my time).
There were times when someone would come forward and tell the pastor that he had been told by god to do this or that. The pastor would not seem to think that it was a good idea, but the person in question was convinced. Later, the person would fall flat on their face and suffer as a result of their decision. But I sometimes saw this happen with a pastor as well. And when you would talk to any of these people, it became evident that the spirit of god was not really leading, but that these people were making decisions based on their own knowledge and the circumstances around them and not on some clear indication from the spirit of god.
As an example, I was in an elder's meeting in a church in New Jersey. During that meeting we were discussing the support of missionaries. One of our own members was going to serve in a country in Africa and needed $800/month to have her needs met. We happened to have a surplus in our missions account and so I recommended that she get the full $800/month. She was only going to go for one year and so this was not going to be a life-time commitment. Some agreed. Others disagreed because there was already a church policy in place to support missionaries from our church for the amount of $110/month. We seemed to be getting nowhere. So I suggested that we all stop and take a moment to pray, asking god to tell us what he wanted us to do. All the elders agreed and we all got on our knees to pray.
After some time spent in earnest prayer, we got back into our seats. The pastor then passed out small pieces of paper to each of us and asked us each to write down the figure that god had told each of us individually. He then collected them. Few of the numbers were the same! Most were completely different! So the pastor simply added them up and averaged them and thus was this missionary's support from our church determined!
Where was the oneness of mind that the spirit of god was supposed to bring? Where was the mind of god in this? What an amazing thing it would have been if all of our numbers had been the same! But, instead, very human reasoning was used. Each figure turned out to be about the same figure that each man was arguing for to begin with. There was no spirit of god there, only men's spirits, it seemed.
So now, stuffed into my subconscious, were these issues with biblical passages and also these experiences of the utter lack of the holy spirit leading in men's lives. But I didn't see it for what it was at that time. I figured that god just worked in mysterious ways. I figured that people were just sinful and so the all-powerful holy spirit of god was just having trouble working with us as a result of it. We just refused to listen and the holy spirit was a gentleman, not willing to barge in and force his will upon us (even though he did this from time to time in the pages of the Bible).
In any case, my subconscious continued to gather these thoughts, or so it seemed. From time to time they would creep to the surface of my mind and I would cast them back out in Jesus' name.
As time went on, I found myself teaching the Bible more and more. And I was trained to constantly restudy the subject. It did not matter how well I thought I knew the subject, the Bible was a deep book, being the word of god. So I would study and study and I would look for ways to shore up my teaching on this subject and that. And each time I would find more questions than answers.
I loved to teach the messianic prophecies. However, as time went on and I taught the class more and more, and I studied the subject more and more, and I read more books by theologians on the subject, I began to be troubled by these same prophecies. Less and less they looked like they were pointing to Jesus of Nazareth. More and more it was looking like they were not speaking of him at all! I simply assumed that I was under spiritual attack because I was trying to shore up people's faith in god and, obviously, the devil did not like that! But I wanted to know the answers! It seemed to make sense to me that a perfect god, who knew his creation, could perfectly communicate to us via his word. So I believed that the answers to my questions could be found within the Bible, especially when it came to the prophecies that supposedly predicted the coming of his son to planet earth to purge our sins!
The final straw came for me back in August of 2008. In a sermon at Heritage Baptist Church, the pastor made a reference to First Samuel chapter fifteen. It was only a casual reference. However, the pastor mentioned that this passage may need more clarification and he encouraged people to study it and to come to him with any questions. Therefore I decided to study the passage. And I was shocked at what I learned.
In the passage in question, god is reported as telling Samuel to go to Saul, the first king of Israel, and to command him to kill all of the Amalekites, including their women, children, babies and even their animals. None were to be left alive. Frankly, at that time in my Christian walk, I was not really bothered by this (as harsh as that may sound). I figured that the all-knowing god had a reason for doing this. In fact, the reason is givin in verse two of the same chapter:
“Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt.”
This verse screamed out to me. I had to study it more. The reason that the Bible gave for the slaughter of the entire people of the Amalekites was that king Amalek had laid wait for Israel when they came out of Egypt during the exodus.
As I studied this, I found that the original event, the laying wait of Amalek, took place a little less than 400 years earlier than the events in First Samuel! This meant that the people of Amalek were going to all be killed, including their babies, for something that their king had done 400 years before!
This struck me hard! My Bible had taught me that god was merciful and forgiving. My Bible said that god wanted none to perish and that all should come to repentance. And here was god, himself, commanding the death of an entire people (this is called genocide) for a crime committed some 400 years earlier! My Bible said that god was just, but this did not seem just in the least.
I talked with some Christians and some pastors about this passage. They started to find excuses for god. They would sometimes try to tell me that perhaps the Amalekites, being pagans, were tempting the Israelites to stray from the god of Israel and, therefore, god wanted the Amalekites gone in order to help keep his people faithful. And while that might have seemed plausible, that is not what the passage said. Verse two explicitly said that the Amalekites where being punished for what King Amalek had done hundreds of years before. If god had intended to destroy the Amalekites for causing the children of Israel to stray, then you would think that this is what the passage would say. But it doesn't.
Others would point out all the prophecies foretelling the destruction of the Amalekites. I knew about them. I agreed that these things were written in the Bible. However, I was not arguing that the Amalekites were destroyed or even that it was prophecied. I was arguing the ethics and morals of it! If god is all good and never changes, if god is just, if god is moral, if god is merciful and compassionate, then why should an entire tribe of people be destroyed, including their babies, for a crime that they had nothing to do with? The only connection they had to the crime was that they were born of mothers that were born of mothers that had a connection to King Amalek's people some 400 years earlier. And, according to the Bible, it was god that knit the baby in the womb to begin with! It would have been god that placed those babies in the wombs of the Amalekite woman. And if god was truly all-knowing, then he knew that he was knitting them together only to destroy them. Justice? Mercy? Love? It all began to unravel for me with First Samuel chapter 15.
With that, the flood gates opened in my mind. Things long forgotten came back. Biblical passages that I had struggled with came to the surface. Problems in this church or that church came to mind in vivid remembrance. Unanswered prayer that was prayed according to god's revealed will in his holy word came to mind.
I decided to resolve this once and for all. I decided I would pray and study and I would come out completely committed to god. And so, each night, while the family slept, I studied. I prayed. I read my Bible. I logged onto a Baptist forum to chat with pastors, ministers and lay people a like and ask my questions. I even went to atheistic web sites and forums to hear their take on things. This struggle ... this delving ... lasted about two weeks. As each day passed, as each night of study went by, I found myself moving further and further away from the Bible and, as a result, away from faith in the god of the Bible.
As jarring as was my salvation experience, so too was my de-conversion! Just as I looked at the world with new eyes after having accepted Jesus as my savior, so too did I see the world with new eyes upon leaving the faith. I was excited and frightened at the same time. I was excited because I had come to a resolution and this resolution, believe it or not, was liberating in so many ways. I was frightened because of what my decision would mean to my wife and to all those that I had known throughout the years. Virtually all of my associations were within the realm of the church!
For several days I wondered what to do. I tried to continue to function as I normally would, going to church, etc. But the message no longer attracted me. In fact, I had become convinced that I had believed a lie for the last 17 years ... that I had been deceived. No, I did not think that anyone had intentionally deceived me. I did not blame any pastor, missionary or Christian friend. I felt that they had been deceived as well. The deception had started hundreds upon hundreds of years ago. And I felt so small for having succumbed to it.
And so, after some time of struggling about how to best approach this, I finally had the talk with my wife and let her in on my struggle and my decision. The rest is history. So, yes, my de-conversion took about two weeks. And, yes, it took about 17 years as well. But, no, I was not deceiving everyone for 17 years. I honestly believed in the god of the Bible and I wanted to serve him.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Court Date Today - No Contest Plea
Today was my scheduled trial and I entered a plea of no contest. I recently learned that some local news agencies had reported, before the actual trial took place, that I was intending to plead guilty to the charge against me. It was never my intention nor had my lawyer ever advised me to plead guilty. However, for a few weeks now we have been discussing a plea of no contest. What is a plea of no contest and why would I choose this if I am innocent?
In every trial, there are three pleas that the accused can enter: not guilty, guilty or nolo contendere (no contest). A plea of no contest is not an admission of guilt. It is an admission that the evidence in the case is enough to bring a conviction should the case go to trial. But there are other reasons to enter a plea of no contest. In a case where a child would be required to testify against someone, a plea of no contest makes it so that the child does not have to personally appear in court. This spares the child the trauma of having to testify and of going through the cross examination of the defending attorney. What occurs when a no contest plea is entered is that one person reviews, in brief, the evidence against the accused before the judge. This is normally done by the prosecution. The case then is immediately scheduled for sentencing.
While the case will go to sentencing as if a plea of guilty were entered, a plea of no contest changes the playing field a bit. It allows for several things to happen so that the judge can hear the case and determine what punishment, if any, needs to be given to the accused. Anything could happen. While doubtful, an acquittal could be awarded. The charge could be dropped from a felony to a misdemeanor. The accused could be found guilty as charged. And anything in-between. A brief concerning the case will be created and given to the judge, the prosecution and the defense. Sentencing will be determined by the judge based on this brief and any testimony presented during the sentencing phase. Witnesses can be called and cross examined. All in all, the sentencing phase becomes like a trial with the judge making his decision based on what is best for all parties concerned.
As a result of my no contest plea, I now have to prepare for sentencing, which is scheduled for early July.
There are many things about this case that I cannot talk about in a public blog. Some of these reasons are legal. Some are for the protection of the accuser. I would ask you to respect these things in your comments. If anyone wishes additional information that cannot be shared publicly, you may email me. However, I cannot guarantee a full answer to your questions. In such a case, I will do my best to tell you why I cannot give a full answer (legal, lawyer advice, etc).
In every trial, there are three pleas that the accused can enter: not guilty, guilty or nolo contendere (no contest). A plea of no contest is not an admission of guilt. It is an admission that the evidence in the case is enough to bring a conviction should the case go to trial. But there are other reasons to enter a plea of no contest. In a case where a child would be required to testify against someone, a plea of no contest makes it so that the child does not have to personally appear in court. This spares the child the trauma of having to testify and of going through the cross examination of the defending attorney. What occurs when a no contest plea is entered is that one person reviews, in brief, the evidence against the accused before the judge. This is normally done by the prosecution. The case then is immediately scheduled for sentencing.
While the case will go to sentencing as if a plea of guilty were entered, a plea of no contest changes the playing field a bit. It allows for several things to happen so that the judge can hear the case and determine what punishment, if any, needs to be given to the accused. Anything could happen. While doubtful, an acquittal could be awarded. The charge could be dropped from a felony to a misdemeanor. The accused could be found guilty as charged. And anything in-between. A brief concerning the case will be created and given to the judge, the prosecution and the defense. Sentencing will be determined by the judge based on this brief and any testimony presented during the sentencing phase. Witnesses can be called and cross examined. All in all, the sentencing phase becomes like a trial with the judge making his decision based on what is best for all parties concerned.
As a result of my no contest plea, I now have to prepare for sentencing, which is scheduled for early July.
There are many things about this case that I cannot talk about in a public blog. Some of these reasons are legal. Some are for the protection of the accuser. I would ask you to respect these things in your comments. If anyone wishes additional information that cannot be shared publicly, you may email me. However, I cannot guarantee a full answer to your questions. In such a case, I will do my best to tell you why I cannot give a full answer (legal, lawyer advice, etc).
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Great News!
I had some great news today! During my visit with my youngest son (which was fantastic, as always), I learned that he has moved back in with his mother and the rest of the family! That is great news as far as I am concerned! My children have always been close with one another and they need to be together.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Big Day for My Little Guy!
Today, at 2PM, my youngest son had to come before the judge on account of the assault and battery charge against him. As you may recall, back in December, my 10 year old son (then only 9) was accused of assault and battery against his mother. The local police were called and my son was officially charged. I was not originally given the details as to what allegedly happened and only found out about the charge when a policemen came to my door to issue me a summons to appear in court. According to Virginia law, both parents need to be served when the accusation involves a child.
The judge listened to the evidence as presented by the detective that offically charged my son, as well as the testimony of my wife and the man with whom my son is currently living (and has been living with for the last three months or so). According to the testimony given, my wife was trying to get my son to go to school that day back in December. My son insisted that he was not feeling well and did not believe he should go to school. However, his mother insisted that he go. My son then became angry and began to push his mother and attempt to striker her. When this continued the police were eventually contacted and brought into the situation. According to the detective that came to the house that day, my wife told her that, in addition to the pushing and strking, she also has had to keep the knives away from my son because she was afraid of what he might do.
Most of the rest of the testimony presented was concerning the positive changes that have been taking place in my son's life since that incident in December. This included that fact that he is virtually a straight A student that typically turns his work in on time or, in many cases, ahead of time, that he does not disrupt the house in which he lives, but is obedient to the rules of that house and that he has progressed a lot over the last several months. As a result of this the judge finally ruled to keep this situation under advisement. If my son keeps his nose clean for the next 12 months, then the charge will be completely dropped. However, if he gets himself in trouble, he could face punishment for the assault and battery charge and gain a criminal record.
With that, the judge released my son into the custody of the man with which he is staying. However, there were a few things that I learned during this trial. Most of this I had heard sort of as a whisper or had speculated about, but now I heard it as sworn testimony in court.
For example, despite the assault and battery charge, no one removed my son from the house. According to the testimony that was given, my wife was struggling with my son's acting out and also the owner of the house where they are staying was not pleased with his behavior. Because of this, my wife decided, of her own free will, to find a place for my son to live. According to the man that testified (the man with whom he is currently living), if he didn't take him, he did not know where my son was going to be staying.
The judge asked the man if he knew when my son was going to move back in with his mother and siblings. The man answered by saying that it was open-ended ... no date had been set. Later, when my wife was on the stand, the judge asked the same question. He wanted to know if my wife had a plan for moving the child back into the home with the rest of the family. Her words were that it was open-ended. My son has lived outside of the home away from his mother, brother and sisters for the last three months or more and my wife does not yet have a plan to reintegrate him back into the family! Why not?
To be fair, according to my son (when I see him during visitation days), he does get to see his brother and sisters during the week. I don't know how frequently, but he does get to see them. I am glad for this as I know that both my sons had been very close to one another.
I have no reason to doubt that my son pushed and attempted to strike his mother. In fact, he told me the same thing when I talked to him about it in the presence of a supervisor during one of our visits. I told my son that striking someone because you cannot get what you want is certainly not the way to behave and that he needed to honor his mother. I hope my son has learned from this situation and that it will give him reason to pause and think about his actions before possibly doing something that he may later regret.
But I am still concerned about my son. Why aren't there plans to bring him home to be with the rest of the family? Why should the responsibility of making sure that he is fed, that he goes to bed, that he goes to school and that he does his homework, be given to someone else? Why should this child not have full access to his brother, sisters and his own mother? I realize that I am not there and I realize that this is a tough situation for my wife, being the only parent in the house, but however tough the situation is, a child's place is with his family when at all possible. If there was not this protective order placed against me by my wife, I certainly would be fighting to have my son living with me.
In any case, I am glad that he came through this situation with flying colors. He was a little man today, sitting straight in his chair, looking directly at the judge when spoken to and answering his questions when asked. What he did was wrong, but he seems to have come through it alright thus far.
The judge listened to the evidence as presented by the detective that offically charged my son, as well as the testimony of my wife and the man with whom my son is currently living (and has been living with for the last three months or so). According to the testimony given, my wife was trying to get my son to go to school that day back in December. My son insisted that he was not feeling well and did not believe he should go to school. However, his mother insisted that he go. My son then became angry and began to push his mother and attempt to striker her. When this continued the police were eventually contacted and brought into the situation. According to the detective that came to the house that day, my wife told her that, in addition to the pushing and strking, she also has had to keep the knives away from my son because she was afraid of what he might do.
Most of the rest of the testimony presented was concerning the positive changes that have been taking place in my son's life since that incident in December. This included that fact that he is virtually a straight A student that typically turns his work in on time or, in many cases, ahead of time, that he does not disrupt the house in which he lives, but is obedient to the rules of that house and that he has progressed a lot over the last several months. As a result of this the judge finally ruled to keep this situation under advisement. If my son keeps his nose clean for the next 12 months, then the charge will be completely dropped. However, if he gets himself in trouble, he could face punishment for the assault and battery charge and gain a criminal record.
With that, the judge released my son into the custody of the man with which he is staying. However, there were a few things that I learned during this trial. Most of this I had heard sort of as a whisper or had speculated about, but now I heard it as sworn testimony in court.
For example, despite the assault and battery charge, no one removed my son from the house. According to the testimony that was given, my wife was struggling with my son's acting out and also the owner of the house where they are staying was not pleased with his behavior. Because of this, my wife decided, of her own free will, to find a place for my son to live. According to the man that testified (the man with whom he is currently living), if he didn't take him, he did not know where my son was going to be staying.
The judge asked the man if he knew when my son was going to move back in with his mother and siblings. The man answered by saying that it was open-ended ... no date had been set. Later, when my wife was on the stand, the judge asked the same question. He wanted to know if my wife had a plan for moving the child back into the home with the rest of the family. Her words were that it was open-ended. My son has lived outside of the home away from his mother, brother and sisters for the last three months or more and my wife does not yet have a plan to reintegrate him back into the family! Why not?
To be fair, according to my son (when I see him during visitation days), he does get to see his brother and sisters during the week. I don't know how frequently, but he does get to see them. I am glad for this as I know that both my sons had been very close to one another.
I have no reason to doubt that my son pushed and attempted to strike his mother. In fact, he told me the same thing when I talked to him about it in the presence of a supervisor during one of our visits. I told my son that striking someone because you cannot get what you want is certainly not the way to behave and that he needed to honor his mother. I hope my son has learned from this situation and that it will give him reason to pause and think about his actions before possibly doing something that he may later regret.
But I am still concerned about my son. Why aren't there plans to bring him home to be with the rest of the family? Why should the responsibility of making sure that he is fed, that he goes to bed, that he goes to school and that he does his homework, be given to someone else? Why should this child not have full access to his brother, sisters and his own mother? I realize that I am not there and I realize that this is a tough situation for my wife, being the only parent in the house, but however tough the situation is, a child's place is with his family when at all possible. If there was not this protective order placed against me by my wife, I certainly would be fighting to have my son living with me.
In any case, I am glad that he came through this situation with flying colors. He was a little man today, sitting straight in his chair, looking directly at the judge when spoken to and answering his questions when asked. What he did was wrong, but he seems to have come through it alright thus far.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Passover and Easter
Passover began on April the 9th and my dad got me thinking about this because he was invited over to someone's house for a sedar meal. I began to reflect back to last year and the year before when I used to teach the church about Passover, doing all I could to make connections between the Old Testament's teaching on the subject and the New Testament's assertion that Christ was the Passover, sacrificed for us (First Corinthians 5:7). I can remember the people, the smell of the food, the laughter when people tried the bitter herb for the first time and the hushed silence when the connections between the Messiah and the passover lamb were explained.
This year, I am sitting in my small apartment alone without even the familiar noise of my children running around. It is a sad silence, to be sure. I am not writing this to draw sympathy from anyone. I am simply stating things in order to show the contrast between recent years gone by and today. Things are certainly different for me, that is for sure! To emphasize that difference, here is a photo of me from a few years ago, teaching about the Passover at Heritage Baptist Church:
Yes, life was different then, but was it better? In many ways, yes! It was! I had my children all around me and that brought me immense joy! I at least believed that my wife loved me and that she would love me no matter what. I was surrounded by people who also said that they loved me. All of this certainly helped to make a person feel good, respected and wanted. But all of that changed the day I left the faith.
But what about today? Are things worse? I suppose that one could say that they are. After all, I don't have my children with me, my wife apparently wants nothing to do with me and I am facing a trial in which I could end up in jail! That is all bad, certainly. But my life is better in many ways. I know this may sound strange to many of you. I can see people thinking something like, "How can life possibly be better in the face of all that?"
Life is better because I am free. Yes, even despite the fact that it is possible that I may go to jail at the end of this month as a result of the accusation against me. I am free because I am no longer bound to the lie that is Christianity. I don't miss god! I don't miss the long sermons at church! I don't miss the times in prayer or the intensive study of the Bible. No, I don't miss any of that. I know that the religion of Christianity is false. What I miss is my family and all the people that used to be my friends. No matter what differences people have, in my mind a friend is a friend! It boggles my mind that a person can so easily shut someone out because they changed their mind about god. And this is especially true concerning my wife.
Whatever any of you believe about me, my wife made a vow before the god that she believes in to stand by me in sickness and in health and in the good times as well as the bad. She even, of her own will, made a vow, quoting from the book of Ruth chapter one, verses 16-17, in which she vowed to go where I go, to lodge where I lodge and to be buried where I am buried. The vow ends with a curse if not upheld by the one swearing it. Does my de-conversion somehow nullify these vows?
Several months ago I asked the DSS case worker if I was allowed to have a supervised visit with my wife. After all, I was able to arrange supervised visits with my children. The DSS worker said, yes, this was possible. I asked her if she would talk to me wife and let her know that I simply wanted to talk to her. I said that one day this entire thing would be over with and that we needed to at least plan for that day. My main concern was the children.
The DSS worker brought my request before my wife. According to her, she asked my wife and she simply refused to reply! So the DSS worker waited another week before asking again. This time my wife simply refused. She was not willing to meet with me even under the watchful eye of DSS! Can you imagine that?
Despite being shunned by my wife, I am, in many ways, happier then I have been in years! Why? Because I can feel again! Emotions of love, joy, happiness and, yes, sadness as well, can freely flood through me! I never realized how dulled my emotions had become while serving the church! I don't think that you can really understand this unless you have experienced it for yourself. I have talked to many people that have left the faith and many tell me that they were surprised at the intensity of the emotions they could feel once they were freed from religion. The Bible tries to tell us that fullness of joy can only be found in Christ, but I have found a more abundant joy outside of him or his church!
I am free, also, because I can think again! I can dream! Everything is open to me now! If I want to be a graphic artist full time and develop my business, I don't need to check in with some god to see if it falls within his supposed will. If I want to go to a movie, I don't have to feel guilty about it or consider it evil. If I want to read a book to just relax, I don't have to check it first to make sure that it agrees with the Bible's standards somehow ... or some obscure standard set by some church leader who thinks they have the corner on what pleases god. I can pick up a book to read because the book is interesting to myself.
And, yes, I can even think about me! Yep, me. In Christianity, to even give yourself a thought can be considered sinful. After all, the Christian is to die to self and to live unto Christ. I now realize that this is not the truth! It is not sinful to consider one's own self. I am not talking about being selfish here and never thinking of anyone else. But I am talking about not neglecting yourself either. I can read a book that I like because I like it and because I want to. And it sure is good to be able to do that and not feel like I sinned before some divine sky being that gets upset if he isn't put first like some spoiled, rotten child!
I am free because I can make friends with someone no matter what they believe. If they are an atheist, they can be my friend. If they are a Christian, they can be my friend. If they are a Buddhist, I can be friends with them, too! I can like someone and hang out with them simply because I like them and want to hang out with them! That is very freeing. In fact, since leaving the church, people have become more wonderful to me no matter who they are or what they believe. People are no longer categorized as either lost or saved. They are simply people ... people who are endowed with dignity simply by virtue of their existence!
I see a mother laugh with her child and I see someone that is good even though they don't know the god of the Bible. I see a husband hug his wife as they walk down the street holding hands. This is good and so are they, despite the fact that they don't believe in god. I take my good friend Chris to the store so that he can get groceries. He doesn't believe in god, either. And I see him as a good man and a good friend. But the Bible would try to tell me that he is evil! The Bible warns about calling good, evil and evil, good, but I have found that it is the Bible itself that is doing this in many cases!
I started this article talking about Passover. And with good reason. Passover is celebrated in Jewish homes as a way of remembering being slaves and then being freed. In my own way, I am also celebrating a passover. I also was once a slave, but now I am free.
This year, I am sitting in my small apartment alone without even the familiar noise of my children running around. It is a sad silence, to be sure. I am not writing this to draw sympathy from anyone. I am simply stating things in order to show the contrast between recent years gone by and today. Things are certainly different for me, that is for sure! To emphasize that difference, here is a photo of me from a few years ago, teaching about the Passover at Heritage Baptist Church:
Yes, life was different then, but was it better? In many ways, yes! It was! I had my children all around me and that brought me immense joy! I at least believed that my wife loved me and that she would love me no matter what. I was surrounded by people who also said that they loved me. All of this certainly helped to make a person feel good, respected and wanted. But all of that changed the day I left the faith.But what about today? Are things worse? I suppose that one could say that they are. After all, I don't have my children with me, my wife apparently wants nothing to do with me and I am facing a trial in which I could end up in jail! That is all bad, certainly. But my life is better in many ways. I know this may sound strange to many of you. I can see people thinking something like, "How can life possibly be better in the face of all that?"
Life is better because I am free. Yes, even despite the fact that it is possible that I may go to jail at the end of this month as a result of the accusation against me. I am free because I am no longer bound to the lie that is Christianity. I don't miss god! I don't miss the long sermons at church! I don't miss the times in prayer or the intensive study of the Bible. No, I don't miss any of that. I know that the religion of Christianity is false. What I miss is my family and all the people that used to be my friends. No matter what differences people have, in my mind a friend is a friend! It boggles my mind that a person can so easily shut someone out because they changed their mind about god. And this is especially true concerning my wife.
Whatever any of you believe about me, my wife made a vow before the god that she believes in to stand by me in sickness and in health and in the good times as well as the bad. She even, of her own will, made a vow, quoting from the book of Ruth chapter one, verses 16-17, in which she vowed to go where I go, to lodge where I lodge and to be buried where I am buried. The vow ends with a curse if not upheld by the one swearing it. Does my de-conversion somehow nullify these vows?
Several months ago I asked the DSS case worker if I was allowed to have a supervised visit with my wife. After all, I was able to arrange supervised visits with my children. The DSS worker said, yes, this was possible. I asked her if she would talk to me wife and let her know that I simply wanted to talk to her. I said that one day this entire thing would be over with and that we needed to at least plan for that day. My main concern was the children.
The DSS worker brought my request before my wife. According to her, she asked my wife and she simply refused to reply! So the DSS worker waited another week before asking again. This time my wife simply refused. She was not willing to meet with me even under the watchful eye of DSS! Can you imagine that?
Despite being shunned by my wife, I am, in many ways, happier then I have been in years! Why? Because I can feel again! Emotions of love, joy, happiness and, yes, sadness as well, can freely flood through me! I never realized how dulled my emotions had become while serving the church! I don't think that you can really understand this unless you have experienced it for yourself. I have talked to many people that have left the faith and many tell me that they were surprised at the intensity of the emotions they could feel once they were freed from religion. The Bible tries to tell us that fullness of joy can only be found in Christ, but I have found a more abundant joy outside of him or his church!
I am free, also, because I can think again! I can dream! Everything is open to me now! If I want to be a graphic artist full time and develop my business, I don't need to check in with some god to see if it falls within his supposed will. If I want to go to a movie, I don't have to feel guilty about it or consider it evil. If I want to read a book to just relax, I don't have to check it first to make sure that it agrees with the Bible's standards somehow ... or some obscure standard set by some church leader who thinks they have the corner on what pleases god. I can pick up a book to read because the book is interesting to myself.
And, yes, I can even think about me! Yep, me. In Christianity, to even give yourself a thought can be considered sinful. After all, the Christian is to die to self and to live unto Christ. I now realize that this is not the truth! It is not sinful to consider one's own self. I am not talking about being selfish here and never thinking of anyone else. But I am talking about not neglecting yourself either. I can read a book that I like because I like it and because I want to. And it sure is good to be able to do that and not feel like I sinned before some divine sky being that gets upset if he isn't put first like some spoiled, rotten child!
I am free because I can make friends with someone no matter what they believe. If they are an atheist, they can be my friend. If they are a Christian, they can be my friend. If they are a Buddhist, I can be friends with them, too! I can like someone and hang out with them simply because I like them and want to hang out with them! That is very freeing. In fact, since leaving the church, people have become more wonderful to me no matter who they are or what they believe. People are no longer categorized as either lost or saved. They are simply people ... people who are endowed with dignity simply by virtue of their existence!
I see a mother laugh with her child and I see someone that is good even though they don't know the god of the Bible. I see a husband hug his wife as they walk down the street holding hands. This is good and so are they, despite the fact that they don't believe in god. I take my good friend Chris to the store so that he can get groceries. He doesn't believe in god, either. And I see him as a good man and a good friend. But the Bible would try to tell me that he is evil! The Bible warns about calling good, evil and evil, good, but I have found that it is the Bible itself that is doing this in many cases!
I started this article talking about Passover. And with good reason. Passover is celebrated in Jewish homes as a way of remembering being slaves and then being freed. In my own way, I am also celebrating a passover. I also was once a slave, but now I am free.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Truth and Fear
There is a certain genius to Christianity. And, no, I am not talking about the Bible supposedly being the holy word of God. The genius is in its followers and the myriad of religious systems established to protect each system and to keep its followers trapped within. Each denomination, each branch and, in some cases, each church has its own form of truth. And, in many cases, each of them would be willing to die for that supposed truth ... or at least condemn all the others to an eternal hell for not quite getting it right. I suppose we could say the genius, the thing that tends to trap most believers, comes in two forms: what they know and what they fear.
Each Christian sect just happens to know the absolute truth about things that the rest of mankind still wrestles with. They know that there is an afterlife. They know what it will be like. They even know how to get there. Most of the rest of mankind sits back and wonders, "Will there be life after death?" The Christian, on the other hand, simply knows. There is a wonderful comfort (for some) in knowing. And there is a certain, dare I say it, pride in knowing things that other people only guess at. One man may be at his wit's end because he is contemplating life after death, but the Christian is secure in his or her belief that they know what awaits them.
The afterlife is not the only thing the Christian supposes he knows absolutely. He also claims to know that God exists for a fact. There is no doubt and they even know for certain which god, out of the myriad of gods that have supposedly existed, is the true God. They know it so strongly that many would be willing to lay down their lives for this fact. And many have done just that, all the while forgetting that there are others as equally convinced as they are about their own gods. In fact, the Muslim may have, in recent years, cornered the market on laying down one's life for their God.
But god and the afterlife aren't all the Christian believes he knows as an absolute fact. He also believes that he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how to convince this God to allow him to inherit this afterlife. Books are written on the subject. Tracts are handed out in large quantities attempting to explain the process to those who may not have this precious knowledge. Classes are held in church auditoriums to instruct the masses on how to best get the message across and how to deal with this or that objection. Web sites are populating the Internet both to push the message of salvation as well as to equip the saints with the tools to go forth into all the world.
But the problem is that each of these groups, each armed with absolute truth, differs greatly from each other in what they believe. In other words, one group's truth contradicts another's in such a way that both cannot be right. In fact, often one such group will call the other heretical and warn that their doctrine is straight from the pit of hell! But being armed with the truth is not the only thing that keeps Christians within the walls of their chosen denominations. No, there is that other element: fear.
Part of the genius of the Christian system is that the believer has much to fear and, as we all know, fear is a good motivator to keep people in line. The Bible tells people that they are to fear God. In fact, it is this fear of God that the Bible calls the beginning of wisdom. To not fear God is to be a fool, thus demonstrating one's lack of wisdom. Many Christian denominations recognize that the word fear is something that people don't like and so they try to tone it down a bit. They try to alter the word's meaning, interpreting it to me reverence. However, fear becomes a prime motivator within the sect.
Many Christians, whether they want to admit it or not, feel fear for a variety of reasons. They may become fearful that they have let their God down if they have not been faithfully witnessing to the lost about Christ. Depending on which denomination the Christian is from, they may fear losing their own salvation, their mode of entrance into heaven and their ability to please God, if they have sinned in some small way. There are so many ways to become fearful in Christianity and these factors can lay heavily on the mind of the faithful.
But it is not just the fear of God that may motivate people within these denominations. Often the Christian leaders themselves will capitalize on this. In some churches, people have to dress a certain way. If their skirt or dress is too far above the ankle, then they are led to believe they are displeasing God. If they are not tithing or giving to missions, then they are led to feel inadequate before the Almighty. If you weren't baptized according to a specific method or if the three names of God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) were not invoked, then perhaps their baptism was not good enough! Don't attend church often enough? Do you miss a few meetings during the week? Then you might be apostate!
And then there is another element added into the mix. There is this super being that is absolute evil called the devil, Lucifer or Satan. He is said to be going about seeking whom he may devour and, as luck would have it, he is after you! He is not only invisible, but he can even plant thoughts into your mind, trying to twist you and turn you toward his evil ways! So who knows where that thought you just had came from? Was it ... the devil?!?
But the fear doesn't stop there. Not only is the believer to fear god, not only do church leaders often use fear as a means of achieving their own ends, not only does Christianity claim to have some invisible, demonic being that is hell-bent on your destruction, but the believer cannot even trust their own thoughts and intuition! The very heart of a man is said, by the Bible, to be deceitful above all things and is desperately wicked! He is told that he is no good because none are good, no not one! The end result is that a man has to even fear his own self!
So this strange dichotomy is achieved in Christianity. On the one hand, the believer feels good believing that they have all the important answers. On the other hand, they are, in many cases, kept from questioning the supposed answers because of fear. Fear keeps them in line. Fear keeps them from questioning. After all, who wants to be wrong and end up in hell for all eternity?
But when someone examines the many, many Christian beliefs out there, each saying that they are the way to life, then one has to wonder which one, if any, is true? Is baptism essential to salvation? Depends on which denomination you belong to and which verses of the Bible you use to support you system of belief. Does it matter which church I attend? Some churches teach that salvation is only achieved through their organization. Do I need to speak in tongues? Again, it depends. Are other sign gifts essential to proving my salvation? Is God a trinity, a tri-unity, a unity or not? Should I be dipped, sprinkled or have the water poured on me when baptized? What if I was led to the Lord by a translation other than the good ol' King James Version of the Bible? And even if I was, does it matter if it is the Oxford or Cambridge editions? And which year? If my church worships on a day other than Sunday or if they don't have a Sunday evening service, does that mean we are apostate? What if we sing to contemporary music or worship songs? What if we don't? What if we use a particular hymnal over another (after all, some of these hymnals have music in them that is questionable!)? What if some of the women wear pants? What if the pastor or priest is a woman? What if ... what if ... what if ...
I am sure that many Christians will dispute the things that I am saying here. No one readily likes to admit that they are fearful. However, I have counseled a lot of people while I was a Christian and I have talked to quite a few that have left the faith. There was one common thread ... fear. Frankly, some people are afraid to question their own faith because they fear the answers they might find. If it turns out that the Christian God is not real, then what does that mean about heaven? Wouldn't that mean that those absolute answers may not be true? Fear.
And then there is fear about what others will think or do if you question the faith. They might look at you as apostate! They might see you as demonically deceived! It is easier to keep on keeping on within the faith then to question it. So questions about the faith are often thrown into the back of the mind and forgotten ... or so you think. These questions have a way of coming out again. But fear is a good tool to suppress them. At least for a while.
Why am I writing about this? It's simple. I was thinking about it. These are my thoughts. It is interesting, despite all the things that I am going though, that I am not afraid. I have stepped out from under that shadow and it is good. And, no, I don't have the answers to things like life after death or whether or not there is a divine being. But that's OK as well. For whatever reason, I am quite satisfied with not knowing. Instead of looking for a sweet life in the hereafter, I am invigorated by each new day ... living in the here and now! Life is exciting, not because of a promise of a life to come, but because I am alive at this moment!
Each Christian sect just happens to know the absolute truth about things that the rest of mankind still wrestles with. They know that there is an afterlife. They know what it will be like. They even know how to get there. Most of the rest of mankind sits back and wonders, "Will there be life after death?" The Christian, on the other hand, simply knows. There is a wonderful comfort (for some) in knowing. And there is a certain, dare I say it, pride in knowing things that other people only guess at. One man may be at his wit's end because he is contemplating life after death, but the Christian is secure in his or her belief that they know what awaits them.
The afterlife is not the only thing the Christian supposes he knows absolutely. He also claims to know that God exists for a fact. There is no doubt and they even know for certain which god, out of the myriad of gods that have supposedly existed, is the true God. They know it so strongly that many would be willing to lay down their lives for this fact. And many have done just that, all the while forgetting that there are others as equally convinced as they are about their own gods. In fact, the Muslim may have, in recent years, cornered the market on laying down one's life for their God.
But god and the afterlife aren't all the Christian believes he knows as an absolute fact. He also believes that he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how to convince this God to allow him to inherit this afterlife. Books are written on the subject. Tracts are handed out in large quantities attempting to explain the process to those who may not have this precious knowledge. Classes are held in church auditoriums to instruct the masses on how to best get the message across and how to deal with this or that objection. Web sites are populating the Internet both to push the message of salvation as well as to equip the saints with the tools to go forth into all the world.
But the problem is that each of these groups, each armed with absolute truth, differs greatly from each other in what they believe. In other words, one group's truth contradicts another's in such a way that both cannot be right. In fact, often one such group will call the other heretical and warn that their doctrine is straight from the pit of hell! But being armed with the truth is not the only thing that keeps Christians within the walls of their chosen denominations. No, there is that other element: fear.
Part of the genius of the Christian system is that the believer has much to fear and, as we all know, fear is a good motivator to keep people in line. The Bible tells people that they are to fear God. In fact, it is this fear of God that the Bible calls the beginning of wisdom. To not fear God is to be a fool, thus demonstrating one's lack of wisdom. Many Christian denominations recognize that the word fear is something that people don't like and so they try to tone it down a bit. They try to alter the word's meaning, interpreting it to me reverence. However, fear becomes a prime motivator within the sect.
Many Christians, whether they want to admit it or not, feel fear for a variety of reasons. They may become fearful that they have let their God down if they have not been faithfully witnessing to the lost about Christ. Depending on which denomination the Christian is from, they may fear losing their own salvation, their mode of entrance into heaven and their ability to please God, if they have sinned in some small way. There are so many ways to become fearful in Christianity and these factors can lay heavily on the mind of the faithful.
But it is not just the fear of God that may motivate people within these denominations. Often the Christian leaders themselves will capitalize on this. In some churches, people have to dress a certain way. If their skirt or dress is too far above the ankle, then they are led to believe they are displeasing God. If they are not tithing or giving to missions, then they are led to feel inadequate before the Almighty. If you weren't baptized according to a specific method or if the three names of God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) were not invoked, then perhaps their baptism was not good enough! Don't attend church often enough? Do you miss a few meetings during the week? Then you might be apostate!
And then there is another element added into the mix. There is this super being that is absolute evil called the devil, Lucifer or Satan. He is said to be going about seeking whom he may devour and, as luck would have it, he is after you! He is not only invisible, but he can even plant thoughts into your mind, trying to twist you and turn you toward his evil ways! So who knows where that thought you just had came from? Was it ... the devil?!?
But the fear doesn't stop there. Not only is the believer to fear god, not only do church leaders often use fear as a means of achieving their own ends, not only does Christianity claim to have some invisible, demonic being that is hell-bent on your destruction, but the believer cannot even trust their own thoughts and intuition! The very heart of a man is said, by the Bible, to be deceitful above all things and is desperately wicked! He is told that he is no good because none are good, no not one! The end result is that a man has to even fear his own self!
So this strange dichotomy is achieved in Christianity. On the one hand, the believer feels good believing that they have all the important answers. On the other hand, they are, in many cases, kept from questioning the supposed answers because of fear. Fear keeps them in line. Fear keeps them from questioning. After all, who wants to be wrong and end up in hell for all eternity?
But when someone examines the many, many Christian beliefs out there, each saying that they are the way to life, then one has to wonder which one, if any, is true? Is baptism essential to salvation? Depends on which denomination you belong to and which verses of the Bible you use to support you system of belief. Does it matter which church I attend? Some churches teach that salvation is only achieved through their organization. Do I need to speak in tongues? Again, it depends. Are other sign gifts essential to proving my salvation? Is God a trinity, a tri-unity, a unity or not? Should I be dipped, sprinkled or have the water poured on me when baptized? What if I was led to the Lord by a translation other than the good ol' King James Version of the Bible? And even if I was, does it matter if it is the Oxford or Cambridge editions? And which year? If my church worships on a day other than Sunday or if they don't have a Sunday evening service, does that mean we are apostate? What if we sing to contemporary music or worship songs? What if we don't? What if we use a particular hymnal over another (after all, some of these hymnals have music in them that is questionable!)? What if some of the women wear pants? What if the pastor or priest is a woman? What if ... what if ... what if ...
I am sure that many Christians will dispute the things that I am saying here. No one readily likes to admit that they are fearful. However, I have counseled a lot of people while I was a Christian and I have talked to quite a few that have left the faith. There was one common thread ... fear. Frankly, some people are afraid to question their own faith because they fear the answers they might find. If it turns out that the Christian God is not real, then what does that mean about heaven? Wouldn't that mean that those absolute answers may not be true? Fear.
And then there is fear about what others will think or do if you question the faith. They might look at you as apostate! They might see you as demonically deceived! It is easier to keep on keeping on within the faith then to question it. So questions about the faith are often thrown into the back of the mind and forgotten ... or so you think. These questions have a way of coming out again. But fear is a good tool to suppress them. At least for a while.
Why am I writing about this? It's simple. I was thinking about it. These are my thoughts. It is interesting, despite all the things that I am going though, that I am not afraid. I have stepped out from under that shadow and it is good. And, no, I don't have the answers to things like life after death or whether or not there is a divine being. But that's OK as well. For whatever reason, I am quite satisfied with not knowing. Instead of looking for a sweet life in the hereafter, I am invigorated by each new day ... living in the here and now! Life is exciting, not because of a promise of a life to come, but because I am alive at this moment!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Howdy!
I just wanted to add a post to let people know that I am alive and well! I am planning an article for this week, but need to get a break from work in order to draft it. So look for something to be added later this week!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Still Hanging In There!
Nothing much has progressed since last week. The custody hearing for my children was originally far the end of March, but since the trial was moved, they also moved the custody hearing. Now that will take place toward the end of May. I had another meeting with my lawyer and so we are still going over the case. Another meeting is scheduled for next week.
I continue to have visitation every Thursday. At this time only my youngest son is coming and he has been coming faithfully each week. We have a great time talking, catching up on the week, drawing pictures together, shooting some basketball and just enjoying one another's company.
My oldest son has not been coming and I miss him. He told the counselor that the reason he is not coming is because he does not like the place where we have to meet. I suspect that this is the least of his reasons. As far as I know counseling has stopped with him because he refuses to talk to the counselors. He has withdrawn within himself in many ways.
I certainly do not have access to a lot of information about my family and, as a result, I can only speculate. And, yes, that is dangerous as it can lead to conclusions that are not true. However, I do find it interesting that the only child of mine that has been consistent in visiting me is the one child that is also not living at home with the rest of the family. You can make of that what you will, I suppose.
That's it for this week's update!
I continue to have visitation every Thursday. At this time only my youngest son is coming and he has been coming faithfully each week. We have a great time talking, catching up on the week, drawing pictures together, shooting some basketball and just enjoying one another's company.
My oldest son has not been coming and I miss him. He told the counselor that the reason he is not coming is because he does not like the place where we have to meet. I suspect that this is the least of his reasons. As far as I know counseling has stopped with him because he refuses to talk to the counselors. He has withdrawn within himself in many ways.
I certainly do not have access to a lot of information about my family and, as a result, I can only speculate. And, yes, that is dangerous as it can lead to conclusions that are not true. However, I do find it interesting that the only child of mine that has been consistent in visiting me is the one child that is also not living at home with the rest of the family. You can make of that what you will, I suppose.
That's it for this week's update!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Court Date Moved!
Hello and sorry I have been away for so long! In all of life's business it is easy to forget to update the blog. Please forgive me for my absence. As I have been reminded, I will try to post something at least once a week even if it is just to say that I am still alive.
There have been some new developments, many of which I cannot share publicly on this blog. Feel free to email me and I will answer what I can that way. A link to my email address is on the left-side bar.
One such development is that the court date for the trial has been moved.
The original trial date was set for March 6th (last Friday). I was all set and ready to go to court and to accept whatever lot was handed to me by the court. Then, about a week before that, I received an email from my lawyer letting me know the court date was going to be moved. Of course, I wanted to know why. It turned out that the staff for the commonwealth attorney had scheduled the trial during his vacation time! So the date had to be moved. While I can understand that, I just wonder why no one caught this, say, a month earlier instead of a week before the trial!
It was not until about the middle of the following week that I received the new court date: April 28th! That added almost two more months to the time I have to wait to see all this resolved. Ugh! However, this may be good (according to my lawyer).
Other than that, things have been going steady. It is hard to build a business, even as a freelance graphic artist, when you don't know what the future holds. Currently I am getting by, which is fine for now, but I really need to start getting ahead. Again, this is difficult. For example, how could I, in good faith, take on a three month project if there is the possibility that I could be in jail by the end of April? As long as this is a possibility then I owe it to my clients to send them elsewhere for long term projects. This is another reason (among many) that I just want to get past all of this.
I did go to court at the end of February as a result of the assault and battery charge my wife levied against our youngest son. That court date was simply to go to court to get a court date. How fun! So my son also goes to court toward the end of April. The charge carries the possibility of "detention" for him. I am hoping they are using this term to possibly frighten him into behaving better. I cannot stand the thought that he could end up in juvenile detention over this!
Again, there is a lot going on, but I just am not at liberty to share publicly all of it. Feel free to contact me privately should you feel the need to.
There have been some new developments, many of which I cannot share publicly on this blog. Feel free to email me and I will answer what I can that way. A link to my email address is on the left-side bar.
One such development is that the court date for the trial has been moved.
The original trial date was set for March 6th (last Friday). I was all set and ready to go to court and to accept whatever lot was handed to me by the court. Then, about a week before that, I received an email from my lawyer letting me know the court date was going to be moved. Of course, I wanted to know why. It turned out that the staff for the commonwealth attorney had scheduled the trial during his vacation time! So the date had to be moved. While I can understand that, I just wonder why no one caught this, say, a month earlier instead of a week before the trial!
It was not until about the middle of the following week that I received the new court date: April 28th! That added almost two more months to the time I have to wait to see all this resolved. Ugh! However, this may be good (according to my lawyer).
Other than that, things have been going steady. It is hard to build a business, even as a freelance graphic artist, when you don't know what the future holds. Currently I am getting by, which is fine for now, but I really need to start getting ahead. Again, this is difficult. For example, how could I, in good faith, take on a three month project if there is the possibility that I could be in jail by the end of April? As long as this is a possibility then I owe it to my clients to send them elsewhere for long term projects. This is another reason (among many) that I just want to get past all of this.
I did go to court at the end of February as a result of the assault and battery charge my wife levied against our youngest son. That court date was simply to go to court to get a court date. How fun! So my son also goes to court toward the end of April. The charge carries the possibility of "detention" for him. I am hoping they are using this term to possibly frighten him into behaving better. I cannot stand the thought that he could end up in juvenile detention over this!
Again, there is a lot going on, but I just am not at liberty to share publicly all of it. Feel free to contact me privately should you feel the need to.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
My "Deception"
I wanted to take a moment and address a point. It comes from a comment I received on this blog as well as some emails I have received and some things that have been said about me. There are certainly people who believe that I am lying about a number of things. Some believe that I am lying about my innocence. Some believe much more than that. They believe that I have been a deceiver and that I have been purposefully deceiving people for a good part, if not all, of my life. I suppose that what these people are really calling into question is the past 17 or so years since I first became a Christian. Because I now so vehemently deny the Christ and God of the Bible, many assume that I could never have been truly "saved" 17 years ago when I first made my confession of faith. This would, of course, call the last 17 years into question.
But I was not the standard pew sitter. I was a preacher and a missionary. This may make it more difficult for some people to accept that I no longer believe in Christ or the Bible. They may feel it is necessary to defend their own belief system and to do so by trying their best to discredit me. How do you compensate for a person who, not only claimed that he was a believer, but taught the Bible, preached the Bible, went to serve on the mission field and sacrificed his life for the ministry, but then one day walks away from the faith? It seems that, for some, the remedy for this is to claim that I have always been a deceiver and that I must have been a damn good one at that!
I want to take a few moments to talk about the last 17 years of my life. On June the 1st, 1991, not long after returning from Dessert Storm, I came to a place where I heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ and accepted him into my heart. I was at someone's home and they led me through a sinner's prayer. Afterward I can remember that I felt lighter ... like a great weight had been lifted off of me. The next day I can remember that the sky seemed bluer and the grass greener. I was baptized, based on my confession of faith that following Sunday at Victory Baptist Church in Clemmons, North Carolina.
The pastor of that church recommended that I attend Piedmont Bible College (now Piedmont Baptist College) to get a degree in the Bible. I applied, was accepted and completed a year at that school before transferring to the Institute of Biblical Studies (IBS) which, at that time, was a part of the Friends of Israel Gospel Ministry. It was while at PBC that I met Melanie and it was not long after that that we were wed.
After graduating from IBS we began to serve in churches by teaching things like Jewish evangelism, the importance of Israel in God's plan, basic doctrine and many teachings on the historical backgrounds to key biblical passages. For the next six or seven years I took no money from the church. I worked to support my growing family. I would chose jobs, not based on what I wanted to do or how much money I could make, but on if they offered me the ability to keep ministering. This meant I needed flexibility in scheduling. My mindset was to minister and working only served the purpose of providing shelter, clothing and food. There was no mindset of getting rich or even getting ahead. All was done to minister.
Eventually we moved from Virginia to New Jersey. One church that loved us and wanted to support us in our efforts to reach the Jew with the Gospel and wanted to help us go to Israel was Berean Baptist Church in Magnolia, New Jersey. We moved to be close to them and to work with their people for a few years before heading off to Israel. The pastor asked me to serve on his elder staff and, as a result, I was there to help with the decision making process of the church along with the other elders. As a side note, when I was in the process of becoming a pastor at Heritage Baptist Church in Vinton, Virginia, Pastor Barton talked with the pastor of Berean Baptist. The word he got was that Dan Silverman was a man of integrity that could be trusted with even the most sensitive of information.
While at Berean, I was encouraged by the pastor to prepare to be ordained. I was required to write an ordination paper that detailed my beliefs. I still have this 20+ page document on my computer. In order to be ordained in that system, I had to go before a board and be reviewed. My doctrinal statement was read beforehand and the board was to question me at length so that they could hear my answers. Unless I satisfied this board, I could not be ordained.
I still have my ordination certificate that I earned that day. Some of the people on the board included my pastor, Richard Vauhgn, and William Krewson, who is currently the director of the Institute of Jewish Studies (then called IBS) and was then a prominent professor there. According to these men, I was not only prepared to be ordained, but that they were impressed with how well I knew the Scriptures and was easily able to provide answers to their extensive questions. The entire interview process was recorded by a member of Lighthouse Baptist Church.
The pastor of Berean Baptist Church, Pastor Vaughn, had family members that attended a Baptist Church in Delaware. This church had a variety of troubles and the result was a church split that formed a new congregation. This "split" did not have a pastor and, as a result, was reeling from a lack of stability. Berean sent me down to be the interim pastor in order to help bring stability and hold the place together while the church was being established and while a permanent pastor was being sought. During my six months or so at Light House Baptist Church, which was the name of this new congregation, the church grew and the people grew to love me and my family.
With my time done at Lighthouse, we prepared our family for the big move to Israel! In December, right after 911, at the height of an Intifada against the people of Israel, we flew out from JFK airport and soon landed in Tel Aviv to start our new life as missionaries in the land of Israel. We gladly went to there to live in Jerusalem despite the fact that they were almost daily (at that time) getting missile attacks and bus bombings. We, as a family, were willing to sacrifice our lives for the ministry to the people of Israel.
I served with Meno Kalisher, an Israeli pastor, at his church, the Jerusalem Assembly House of Redemption. I was a member of his staff, meeting weekly to help make decisions about the church, to help in counseling and to teach and to preach. I taught in the church, taught Bible studies in our apartment and traveled much with Meno to visit with people who needed help. I participated in evangelistic campaigns distributing leaflets throughout Jerusalem to encourage the people to discover the Jewish Messiah, Jesus. I helped create a facelift for Jerusalem Assembly's evangelistic web site that promoted the "truth" about Jesus in Hebrew to the people of Israel.
I labored to serve there in the land of Israel and, on top of it all, I worked to support our family. Churches had given sacrificially to get us set up in Israel. But monthly financial support was usually around $500 a month, though we had some higher months. However, living in Israel is very expensive. A vehicle costs at least twice as much there as in the USA. I eventually leased a small seven passenger car (a Mazda 5) at the cost of $1500 per month! Food was more expensive. Gas cost about $7 per gallon and that was years before this last gas hike we all experienced. I worked to support my family on top of all the labor I did for the ministry.
Our home was constantly full of people from the church. We had purposefully found a place with a very large living room in order that we could hold church events there. Jerusalem Assembly, despite having 250-300 people in attendance at the time, did not have its own building. Therefore they rented a place for their weekly worship meetings. All other events had to be in someone's home. On top of this, we would often have events where we would invite neighbors as well as members from our church. The purpose was to introduce our neighbors to Jewish believers, to build a dialog and to help evangelize them.
After 3.5 years of living in Jerusalem, we moved to the north of Israel, above the Sea of Galilee to a village called Yasod HaMa'alah. Our goal was to go to a place where there was not a church and to start one by evanglizing the people in that area. We ministered there, working with both believers that we had discovered and witnessing to non-believers, for about a year before coming back to the USA to help take care of Melanie's elderly mother.
We were big believers in the family, believing that the Bible placed a huge emphasis on parent-child relationships. This was one of the motivating factors that caused us to make another international move away from Israel and back to the United States. Melanie's mother was almost 80 at the time and it was becoming apparent that she was struggling to take care of herself. When we moved back we made sure to find a home to rent that had enough space for our family of six (four children, my wife and I) and for her mother. We were ready for her to move in with us and for us to take care of her. Of course this produced additional expenses. A larger home was needed which would cost more to rent. Eventually Melanie's mom moved in with us.
Later we became more involved in Melanie's brother's life. Ed was about 50 and has been a severe alcoholic since about 18. He had been to about every recovery and addictions program that he could go to. We even took him into our home and were trying to help him! When he eventually moved out and went back to drinking, I would make sure to stop by his place, visit with him and try to encourage him away from drinking. Frequently Melanie and her mother would thank me for the time and effort I had put into Ed.
I could go on, but I write all this to make a point:
WHAT WAS MY MOTIVATION FOR DECEIVING EVERYONE FOR THE LAST 17 YEARS OF MY LIFE?
Did I get rich from my Christian experience? No. Most of our marriage we were on the edge of poverty. I can remember fitting the six of us in our five passenger car that was always on the verge of overheating because that car was all we could afford!
What did I have to gain by deceiving people about being a Christian for 17 years?
The answer is, I was not deceiving people. I honestly believed that Christ was God and that the Bible was God's word. I studied that book. I taught that book. I prayed and would plead with God. I was definitely sincere. The last 17 years of my life have been a dedication to Christ and his word. None of that was deception.
However, I have certainly come to a place where I came to see things more clearly. I came out from under the delusion of fundamentalist Christianity and now I believe the Bible is not the word of God and that the Gospels are fiction. There are many factors that have led me to these conclusions. This does not make me deceptive. If I had wanted to have been deceptive, I could have hidden this and acted like I still believed when I did not. Instead, despite the problems I knew this would cause, I told my wife and pastor what I believed about Christ, God and the Bible.
I did not deceive. I lived my life according to what I believed and I still do.
But I was not the standard pew sitter. I was a preacher and a missionary. This may make it more difficult for some people to accept that I no longer believe in Christ or the Bible. They may feel it is necessary to defend their own belief system and to do so by trying their best to discredit me. How do you compensate for a person who, not only claimed that he was a believer, but taught the Bible, preached the Bible, went to serve on the mission field and sacrificed his life for the ministry, but then one day walks away from the faith? It seems that, for some, the remedy for this is to claim that I have always been a deceiver and that I must have been a damn good one at that!
I want to take a few moments to talk about the last 17 years of my life. On June the 1st, 1991, not long after returning from Dessert Storm, I came to a place where I heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ and accepted him into my heart. I was at someone's home and they led me through a sinner's prayer. Afterward I can remember that I felt lighter ... like a great weight had been lifted off of me. The next day I can remember that the sky seemed bluer and the grass greener. I was baptized, based on my confession of faith that following Sunday at Victory Baptist Church in Clemmons, North Carolina.
The pastor of that church recommended that I attend Piedmont Bible College (now Piedmont Baptist College) to get a degree in the Bible. I applied, was accepted and completed a year at that school before transferring to the Institute of Biblical Studies (IBS) which, at that time, was a part of the Friends of Israel Gospel Ministry. It was while at PBC that I met Melanie and it was not long after that that we were wed.
After graduating from IBS we began to serve in churches by teaching things like Jewish evangelism, the importance of Israel in God's plan, basic doctrine and many teachings on the historical backgrounds to key biblical passages. For the next six or seven years I took no money from the church. I worked to support my growing family. I would chose jobs, not based on what I wanted to do or how much money I could make, but on if they offered me the ability to keep ministering. This meant I needed flexibility in scheduling. My mindset was to minister and working only served the purpose of providing shelter, clothing and food. There was no mindset of getting rich or even getting ahead. All was done to minister.
Eventually we moved from Virginia to New Jersey. One church that loved us and wanted to support us in our efforts to reach the Jew with the Gospel and wanted to help us go to Israel was Berean Baptist Church in Magnolia, New Jersey. We moved to be close to them and to work with their people for a few years before heading off to Israel. The pastor asked me to serve on his elder staff and, as a result, I was there to help with the decision making process of the church along with the other elders. As a side note, when I was in the process of becoming a pastor at Heritage Baptist Church in Vinton, Virginia, Pastor Barton talked with the pastor of Berean Baptist. The word he got was that Dan Silverman was a man of integrity that could be trusted with even the most sensitive of information.
While at Berean, I was encouraged by the pastor to prepare to be ordained. I was required to write an ordination paper that detailed my beliefs. I still have this 20+ page document on my computer. In order to be ordained in that system, I had to go before a board and be reviewed. My doctrinal statement was read beforehand and the board was to question me at length so that they could hear my answers. Unless I satisfied this board, I could not be ordained.
I still have my ordination certificate that I earned that day. Some of the people on the board included my pastor, Richard Vauhgn, and William Krewson, who is currently the director of the Institute of Jewish Studies (then called IBS) and was then a prominent professor there. According to these men, I was not only prepared to be ordained, but that they were impressed with how well I knew the Scriptures and was easily able to provide answers to their extensive questions. The entire interview process was recorded by a member of Lighthouse Baptist Church.
The pastor of Berean Baptist Church, Pastor Vaughn, had family members that attended a Baptist Church in Delaware. This church had a variety of troubles and the result was a church split that formed a new congregation. This "split" did not have a pastor and, as a result, was reeling from a lack of stability. Berean sent me down to be the interim pastor in order to help bring stability and hold the place together while the church was being established and while a permanent pastor was being sought. During my six months or so at Light House Baptist Church, which was the name of this new congregation, the church grew and the people grew to love me and my family.
With my time done at Lighthouse, we prepared our family for the big move to Israel! In December, right after 911, at the height of an Intifada against the people of Israel, we flew out from JFK airport and soon landed in Tel Aviv to start our new life as missionaries in the land of Israel. We gladly went to there to live in Jerusalem despite the fact that they were almost daily (at that time) getting missile attacks and bus bombings. We, as a family, were willing to sacrifice our lives for the ministry to the people of Israel.
I served with Meno Kalisher, an Israeli pastor, at his church, the Jerusalem Assembly House of Redemption. I was a member of his staff, meeting weekly to help make decisions about the church, to help in counseling and to teach and to preach. I taught in the church, taught Bible studies in our apartment and traveled much with Meno to visit with people who needed help. I participated in evangelistic campaigns distributing leaflets throughout Jerusalem to encourage the people to discover the Jewish Messiah, Jesus. I helped create a facelift for Jerusalem Assembly's evangelistic web site that promoted the "truth" about Jesus in Hebrew to the people of Israel.
I labored to serve there in the land of Israel and, on top of it all, I worked to support our family. Churches had given sacrificially to get us set up in Israel. But monthly financial support was usually around $500 a month, though we had some higher months. However, living in Israel is very expensive. A vehicle costs at least twice as much there as in the USA. I eventually leased a small seven passenger car (a Mazda 5) at the cost of $1500 per month! Food was more expensive. Gas cost about $7 per gallon and that was years before this last gas hike we all experienced. I worked to support my family on top of all the labor I did for the ministry.
Our home was constantly full of people from the church. We had purposefully found a place with a very large living room in order that we could hold church events there. Jerusalem Assembly, despite having 250-300 people in attendance at the time, did not have its own building. Therefore they rented a place for their weekly worship meetings. All other events had to be in someone's home. On top of this, we would often have events where we would invite neighbors as well as members from our church. The purpose was to introduce our neighbors to Jewish believers, to build a dialog and to help evangelize them.
After 3.5 years of living in Jerusalem, we moved to the north of Israel, above the Sea of Galilee to a village called Yasod HaMa'alah. Our goal was to go to a place where there was not a church and to start one by evanglizing the people in that area. We ministered there, working with both believers that we had discovered and witnessing to non-believers, for about a year before coming back to the USA to help take care of Melanie's elderly mother.
We were big believers in the family, believing that the Bible placed a huge emphasis on parent-child relationships. This was one of the motivating factors that caused us to make another international move away from Israel and back to the United States. Melanie's mother was almost 80 at the time and it was becoming apparent that she was struggling to take care of herself. When we moved back we made sure to find a home to rent that had enough space for our family of six (four children, my wife and I) and for her mother. We were ready for her to move in with us and for us to take care of her. Of course this produced additional expenses. A larger home was needed which would cost more to rent. Eventually Melanie's mom moved in with us.
Later we became more involved in Melanie's brother's life. Ed was about 50 and has been a severe alcoholic since about 18. He had been to about every recovery and addictions program that he could go to. We even took him into our home and were trying to help him! When he eventually moved out and went back to drinking, I would make sure to stop by his place, visit with him and try to encourage him away from drinking. Frequently Melanie and her mother would thank me for the time and effort I had put into Ed.
I could go on, but I write all this to make a point:
WHAT WAS MY MOTIVATION FOR DECEIVING EVERYONE FOR THE LAST 17 YEARS OF MY LIFE?
Did I get rich from my Christian experience? No. Most of our marriage we were on the edge of poverty. I can remember fitting the six of us in our five passenger car that was always on the verge of overheating because that car was all we could afford!
What did I have to gain by deceiving people about being a Christian for 17 years?
The answer is, I was not deceiving people. I honestly believed that Christ was God and that the Bible was God's word. I studied that book. I taught that book. I prayed and would plead with God. I was definitely sincere. The last 17 years of my life have been a dedication to Christ and his word. None of that was deception.
However, I have certainly come to a place where I came to see things more clearly. I came out from under the delusion of fundamentalist Christianity and now I believe the Bible is not the word of God and that the Gospels are fiction. There are many factors that have led me to these conclusions. This does not make me deceptive. If I had wanted to have been deceptive, I could have hidden this and acted like I still believed when I did not. Instead, despite the problems I knew this would cause, I told my wife and pastor what I believed about Christ, God and the Bible.
I did not deceive. I lived my life according to what I believed and I still do.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Much Going On! Feel Free to Email Me!
I know it has been a while since I have updated this blog and a lot has transpired. However, because of recent events I am not at liberty to talk about them publicly. I have had a meeting with my lawyer to discuss my case (and more scheduled), a meeting with DSS (Department of Social Services) and some counselors (and more of those scheduled as well) and many other things. I certainly wanted to blog about a lot of what I have learned and experienced, but prudence says not to write about them in such a public forum. However, I know that many of you are curious and, in fact, many have been asking about what has been going on. Therefore I recommend that you contact me via email. I will do my best to respond and talk about what I am able. A link to my email address is to the left on the side bar.
Thank you for your understanding.
Thank you for your understanding.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Met with My Lawyer Today
I met with my lawyer today and we looked over the case material. There is not much to report other than things are looking hopeful. Obviously I cannot talk about what we discussed, what are plans are, etc. In fact, a lot of planning will take shape as the court date gets nearer.
A Call from Social Services
I received a phone call the other day from Social Services. These days, anytime I receive a call or a visit from the police or Social Services I begin to wonder, "What happened now?!?" This time the call was a good one!
Both of my sons are seeing their own counselor. The purpose behind this is to help them adjust to all that is going on and, frankly, this makes sense. From what I have heard, my sons have been very trying in the home (one of the reasons given for my youngest being removed from the home to live some place else) and the counselors want to help them to behave properly. The guardian ad litem met with the two counselors and the Social Services case worker. Apparently it was suggested that it would be best to have the boys' father involved in some of the counseling sessions. That way I could help as a father.
Frankly, I am overjoyed that this opportunity has been given to me! It means that, to some degree, I can be a bit more involved in my children's lives and actually be a father to them! During the supervised visitation time I can do little more than play with whomever shows up. But being a father is so much more than playing a game or two with you children.
My first meeting is scheduled this coming Tuesday. I get to sit down with the counselors and the Social Services case worker. I will learn more about this opportunity then.
Both of my sons are seeing their own counselor. The purpose behind this is to help them adjust to all that is going on and, frankly, this makes sense. From what I have heard, my sons have been very trying in the home (one of the reasons given for my youngest being removed from the home to live some place else) and the counselors want to help them to behave properly. The guardian ad litem met with the two counselors and the Social Services case worker. Apparently it was suggested that it would be best to have the boys' father involved in some of the counseling sessions. That way I could help as a father.
Frankly, I am overjoyed that this opportunity has been given to me! It means that, to some degree, I can be a bit more involved in my children's lives and actually be a father to them! During the supervised visitation time I can do little more than play with whomever shows up. But being a father is so much more than playing a game or two with you children.
My first meeting is scheduled this coming Tuesday. I get to sit down with the counselors and the Social Services case worker. I will learn more about this opportunity then.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
My Blog Continues!
Several articles ago I had stated that my intention was to remove this blog. I did not see that it was doing any good at the time. However, since that article I have received numerous emails and messages asking me to please reconsider. The number of emails and reasons given were very convincing. As a result and as you can see, I have decided to keep the blog up and to keep posting!
Thank you, all of you, for your encouragement!
Thank you, all of you, for your encouragement!
No Show for Visitation ... Family Further Splintered!
I don't have a lot to update folks about recently concerning my case and that is why posts have been rather slow. I did want to let people know that none of my children showed up at the last visitation. According to the policy of the place, if one party or the other cannot show up they are supposed to call in and let the people know. Not showing up affects several parties: the parent coming for the visit or the children coming for the visit and the counselor and security personnel.
They let me wait until about 15 minutes past the time the visit was supposed to begin and then they sent me home. The counselor said she tried to call all concerned and was not able to get anyone on the phone. As a result, neither the counselor nor myself knew the reason why no one showed up.
I talked to the social services case worker the next day as I had a number of reasons to speak with her. I found out that my youngest son, the one that my wife charged with assault and battery, is not living in the same home as the rest of his family! In other words, he is in another person's house away from his brother and sisters! It seems like my entire family is slowly being torn apart! Some are being torn within, like my oldest son who claims he refuses to smile. Others have been torn from their family all together!
I asked the social services case worker why my son was not living with the rest of the family and asked if it had to do with the assault and battery charge (in other words, did the authorities decide to remove him from the home). She told me that this was not the reason. Apparently my wife and children are living with another family in their home. According to the case worker, my youngest son was displaying attitudes and behaviors that were not tolerable by that family. As a result, my son was removed from the home and sent somewhere else to live!
Now, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have allowed this to happen as their father! I realize that I don't have all the facts. I am sure that I have very few of them. I don't know how destructive my son's behavior was. I was not there and no one is telling me what happened. Even so, this is MY SON! My flesh and blood! If something comes between me and my children, then the "something" is what needs to go, not the child! If I was living in someone else's home and my children were bothering the owners, I would find a way to leave with my family ... not send away one of my children! In other words, if there is a choice between a friend and my child, I choose my child! I don't care how hard this makes my circumstances. I don't care how much I needed the help (i.e. couldn't afford rent, no job, etc). I would strive to find a way to keep the family whole before I would send my child off to live with someone else!
I realize that this situation is hard on my wife, but what is she thinking? Why is it so easy for her to remove her son from the home? Some may say that it was not an easy thing, that I don't know what really happened. I would say, you are right that I don't know what happened. But I do know that a mother should be willing to do all (and more) for her own child! I mother should be willing to lay down her life for her child! And, as far as I can see, this should never have happened!
My wife was willing to sacrifice me and 15 years of marriage because of my de-conversion. My behavior was no longer pleasing to her. It has been almost 6 months since she has talked to me in any way, shape or form. The pastor at Heritage Baptist Church tried to get my wife to reconcile with me while I was still in jail. She left the church and refuses to have communication with him. His behavior was no longer pleasing to her and she cast off both him and his church. My wife has charged my ten-year-old son with assault and battery and now he is living outside of the home. Apparently his behavior is no longer pleasing to her as well. Who's next? Who will cease to be deemed pleasing in her sight and be cast off in one way or another?
They let me wait until about 15 minutes past the time the visit was supposed to begin and then they sent me home. The counselor said she tried to call all concerned and was not able to get anyone on the phone. As a result, neither the counselor nor myself knew the reason why no one showed up.
I talked to the social services case worker the next day as I had a number of reasons to speak with her. I found out that my youngest son, the one that my wife charged with assault and battery, is not living in the same home as the rest of his family! In other words, he is in another person's house away from his brother and sisters! It seems like my entire family is slowly being torn apart! Some are being torn within, like my oldest son who claims he refuses to smile. Others have been torn from their family all together!
I asked the social services case worker why my son was not living with the rest of the family and asked if it had to do with the assault and battery charge (in other words, did the authorities decide to remove him from the home). She told me that this was not the reason. Apparently my wife and children are living with another family in their home. According to the case worker, my youngest son was displaying attitudes and behaviors that were not tolerable by that family. As a result, my son was removed from the home and sent somewhere else to live!
Now, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have allowed this to happen as their father! I realize that I don't have all the facts. I am sure that I have very few of them. I don't know how destructive my son's behavior was. I was not there and no one is telling me what happened. Even so, this is MY SON! My flesh and blood! If something comes between me and my children, then the "something" is what needs to go, not the child! If I was living in someone else's home and my children were bothering the owners, I would find a way to leave with my family ... not send away one of my children! In other words, if there is a choice between a friend and my child, I choose my child! I don't care how hard this makes my circumstances. I don't care how much I needed the help (i.e. couldn't afford rent, no job, etc). I would strive to find a way to keep the family whole before I would send my child off to live with someone else!
I realize that this situation is hard on my wife, but what is she thinking? Why is it so easy for her to remove her son from the home? Some may say that it was not an easy thing, that I don't know what really happened. I would say, you are right that I don't know what happened. But I do know that a mother should be willing to do all (and more) for her own child! I mother should be willing to lay down her life for her child! And, as far as I can see, this should never have happened!
My wife was willing to sacrifice me and 15 years of marriage because of my de-conversion. My behavior was no longer pleasing to her. It has been almost 6 months since she has talked to me in any way, shape or form. The pastor at Heritage Baptist Church tried to get my wife to reconcile with me while I was still in jail. She left the church and refuses to have communication with him. His behavior was no longer pleasing to her and she cast off both him and his church. My wife has charged my ten-year-old son with assault and battery and now he is living outside of the home. Apparently his behavior is no longer pleasing to her as well. Who's next? Who will cease to be deemed pleasing in her sight and be cast off in one way or another?
Friday, January 16, 2009
Another Court Date ... But Not for Me!
I hesitated to post this, but I think it is important. The day before yesterday a policeman shows up at my door. Any more, I am concerned whenever a policeman shows up. If you are familiar with my story, then I am sure you can understand why. The policeman, being a civil servant, was there simply to give me a summons to appear in court. I thanked him and he went on his way. I then sat down to read the summons...
... and that's when my jaw hit the floor!
I saw the words assault and battery and my wife's name! At first I thought, "What am I being accused of now?!?" Then I calmed down and read the summons a bit more closely. Here is what is says:
He did on or about 12/17/08 unlawfully assault and batter his mother in violation of section 18.2-57.2 of the 1950 code of Virginia as amended.
Mother? Who did what? I looked up and saw the name of the accused ... my youngest son! Apparently my youngest son struck his mother in some form or fashion. Instead of handling this in the home, it was taken to the police! What?
My youngest son is not a big boy. He is 10 (just turned 10 this January) and he is not a large boy at all. He apparently struck his mother, but why didn't she deal with it? Why didn't she handle it at home? Why get the police involved? Does it seem like a pattern is emerging here to get the authorities involved when things aren't the way she would like them to be? To get the authorities involved when someone is not behaving the way she wants them to?
Now, let's face some facts: I have no real idea what happened. I was not there. I don't know anyone that was (outside of my family) and, because of the protective order, I cannot simply make a call and find out either. All I can do is speculate. But it seems to me that a mother should be able to handle a boy who was, at that time, nine years old!
When I met with the boys during my supervised visit yesterday, I asked my youngest about what happened. He said that he and his mother got into an argument. He said that his brother grabbed him and he pulled away and, in the process, accidentally hit his mom. He then said that this fueled the argument even more and then he purposefully hit her. According to what he said he did not use an item to hit his mom. He was nine at the time. He only comes up to my armpit (and I am a short to average height man). How much damage could he have done?
My son was wrong. No doubt about it. He should not have struck his mother. In fact, I told him to never do that again. I calmly told him that getting angry and striking another is not the way to solve problems and that, as he gets older, reacting this way can lead to more severe consequences. I reminded him that his mother is his mother and, as such, he should treat her with respect. He promised me that he would not strike her again and that he would try to control his anger.
Even so, as I think about this incident, I am furious! Why turn my son into the police? Why start him on the path to being a delinquent? What does she hope to accomplish by this action? If my son were to strike me and I thought the situation was getting out of hand, I might call a friend to help, but I would not call the police! This is my own flesh and blood! My son would have to do something a lot more than strike me to have me call the police on him!
Now, in a situation like mine, I cannot help but have suspicious thoughts. Again, I cannot talk to my wife to hear her side of this. However, there is a possible pattern here (and, I admit, this may be the farthest thing from what is actually going on). My youngest son has always been in my corner, so to speak. The first Sunday after my de-conversion he stayed home with me instead of going to church with my wife and the rest of his siblings. When I was arrested he was there and watched through the picture window as they put the cuffs on me. He has come to every single supervised visit without fail. My wife seems to have the attitude that whoever is with me is an enemy. Could she be viewing my son this way? Could she be punishing him for his allegiance to me? Yes, he struck her (according to his own admission to me)! Yes, that was wrong! But why call the police? Why make a ten-year-old appear before a judge?
I de-convert and upset my wife. The next thing I know, the authorities are at my door arresting me. My (then) nine-year-old son strikes my wife. The next thing you know there is a sworn affidavit forcing my son to appear in court about assaulting his mother. Too much of a coincidence? Maybe. Like I said, I could be totally wrong. But unfortunately it does seem plausible. It seems like my wife has learned a dangerous game.
In any case, the court had to summon both biological parents to appear in court. I will be able to hear the case then.
... and that's when my jaw hit the floor!
I saw the words assault and battery and my wife's name! At first I thought, "What am I being accused of now?!?" Then I calmed down and read the summons a bit more closely. Here is what is says:
He did on or about 12/17/08 unlawfully assault and batter his mother in violation of section 18.2-57.2 of the 1950 code of Virginia as amended.
Mother? Who did what? I looked up and saw the name of the accused ... my youngest son! Apparently my youngest son struck his mother in some form or fashion. Instead of handling this in the home, it was taken to the police! What?
My youngest son is not a big boy. He is 10 (just turned 10 this January) and he is not a large boy at all. He apparently struck his mother, but why didn't she deal with it? Why didn't she handle it at home? Why get the police involved? Does it seem like a pattern is emerging here to get the authorities involved when things aren't the way she would like them to be? To get the authorities involved when someone is not behaving the way she wants them to?
Now, let's face some facts: I have no real idea what happened. I was not there. I don't know anyone that was (outside of my family) and, because of the protective order, I cannot simply make a call and find out either. All I can do is speculate. But it seems to me that a mother should be able to handle a boy who was, at that time, nine years old!
When I met with the boys during my supervised visit yesterday, I asked my youngest about what happened. He said that he and his mother got into an argument. He said that his brother grabbed him and he pulled away and, in the process, accidentally hit his mom. He then said that this fueled the argument even more and then he purposefully hit her. According to what he said he did not use an item to hit his mom. He was nine at the time. He only comes up to my armpit (and I am a short to average height man). How much damage could he have done?
My son was wrong. No doubt about it. He should not have struck his mother. In fact, I told him to never do that again. I calmly told him that getting angry and striking another is not the way to solve problems and that, as he gets older, reacting this way can lead to more severe consequences. I reminded him that his mother is his mother and, as such, he should treat her with respect. He promised me that he would not strike her again and that he would try to control his anger.
Even so, as I think about this incident, I am furious! Why turn my son into the police? Why start him on the path to being a delinquent? What does she hope to accomplish by this action? If my son were to strike me and I thought the situation was getting out of hand, I might call a friend to help, but I would not call the police! This is my own flesh and blood! My son would have to do something a lot more than strike me to have me call the police on him!
Now, in a situation like mine, I cannot help but have suspicious thoughts. Again, I cannot talk to my wife to hear her side of this. However, there is a possible pattern here (and, I admit, this may be the farthest thing from what is actually going on). My youngest son has always been in my corner, so to speak. The first Sunday after my de-conversion he stayed home with me instead of going to church with my wife and the rest of his siblings. When I was arrested he was there and watched through the picture window as they put the cuffs on me. He has come to every single supervised visit without fail. My wife seems to have the attitude that whoever is with me is an enemy. Could she be viewing my son this way? Could she be punishing him for his allegiance to me? Yes, he struck her (according to his own admission to me)! Yes, that was wrong! But why call the police? Why make a ten-year-old appear before a judge?
I de-convert and upset my wife. The next thing I know, the authorities are at my door arresting me. My (then) nine-year-old son strikes my wife. The next thing you know there is a sworn affidavit forcing my son to appear in court about assaulting his mother. Too much of a coincidence? Maybe. Like I said, I could be totally wrong. But unfortunately it does seem plausible. It seems like my wife has learned a dangerous game.
In any case, the court had to summon both biological parents to appear in court. I will be able to hear the case then.
Finally Got to See Both Sons :)
Each Thursday I get to see my kids via supervised visitation. I get one hour. Yesterday both of my sons came to see me! It was great to finally see my oldest child as well as the youngest. As usual, we had a good time playing games like chess, throwing a ball and things like that, but we also got to talk and this was desperately needed.
And I'll tell you why ...
My oldest son barely smiled. In fact, he says that he has made a commitment to never smile again. He is 14, a teenager, and he is already going through a lot with the normal changes of that age. However, the stress and strain of this situation is not helping. My son loves me. Because of the way things are in the home, I believe he feels he has to take sides. It is either my side (his dad) or her side (his mom). And, from what I hear, my wife is not doing much to help in this situation. I'll give an example from what I gleaned from my talk with my sons.
I told them that they should write a letter to their grandfather (my dad) because he misses them and is worried about them. My oldest said to me, "Mom won't let us because she says that grandpa is on your side." This is as if to say, anyone who is on dad's side is the enemy and must be avoided! How sad! And how divisive. My wife seems to be doing all that she can to split this family into pieces. In fact, I know some people, who will remain nameless, that are friends with my wife and also with me. They have told me that they will not tell my wife that they have talked to me. Why? Because they fear that she will cut them off if she knew!
In any case, I needed to talk to my sons. I encouraged them to be loving and kind. I told them that getting mad and lashing out would not solve any of the problems that we are all facing at the moment and to have hope. I said to my oldest that the trial is not that far away and soon we can move forward with our lives ... that we just needed to hold on for a bit more and keep our chins up. When he told me that he had determined to no longer smile I looked at him very seriously and said very gently, "Son, if there is anyone in this room that should not be smiling from day to day, it is me. But I am smiling. And I have a great deal to smile about. You are one of the reasons I can smile today." And I encouraged him to find a reason to smile every day.
It is obvious that this situation has caused my son a lot of pain and he is becoming a withdrawn and angry young man. I encouraged him to try to come to each supervised meeting on Thursday so that we can talk, be with each other and all of that. Right now his homework schedule is quite heavy and this is what kept him from coming the last two times. I said he could bring his homework with him and I would be happy to help him with it. This actually perked him up a bit. He said, "Really?" And I said, "Of course."
I hurt for my sons. I hurt for my daughters, too, but I have not seen them since September 8th.
And I'll tell you why ...
My oldest son barely smiled. In fact, he says that he has made a commitment to never smile again. He is 14, a teenager, and he is already going through a lot with the normal changes of that age. However, the stress and strain of this situation is not helping. My son loves me. Because of the way things are in the home, I believe he feels he has to take sides. It is either my side (his dad) or her side (his mom). And, from what I hear, my wife is not doing much to help in this situation. I'll give an example from what I gleaned from my talk with my sons.
I told them that they should write a letter to their grandfather (my dad) because he misses them and is worried about them. My oldest said to me, "Mom won't let us because she says that grandpa is on your side." This is as if to say, anyone who is on dad's side is the enemy and must be avoided! How sad! And how divisive. My wife seems to be doing all that she can to split this family into pieces. In fact, I know some people, who will remain nameless, that are friends with my wife and also with me. They have told me that they will not tell my wife that they have talked to me. Why? Because they fear that she will cut them off if she knew!
In any case, I needed to talk to my sons. I encouraged them to be loving and kind. I told them that getting mad and lashing out would not solve any of the problems that we are all facing at the moment and to have hope. I said to my oldest that the trial is not that far away and soon we can move forward with our lives ... that we just needed to hold on for a bit more and keep our chins up. When he told me that he had determined to no longer smile I looked at him very seriously and said very gently, "Son, if there is anyone in this room that should not be smiling from day to day, it is me. But I am smiling. And I have a great deal to smile about. You are one of the reasons I can smile today." And I encouraged him to find a reason to smile every day.
It is obvious that this situation has caused my son a lot of pain and he is becoming a withdrawn and angry young man. I encouraged him to try to come to each supervised meeting on Thursday so that we can talk, be with each other and all of that. Right now his homework schedule is quite heavy and this is what kept him from coming the last two times. I said he could bring his homework with him and I would be happy to help him with it. This actually perked him up a bit. He said, "Really?" And I said, "Of course."
I hurt for my sons. I hurt for my daughters, too, but I have not seen them since September 8th.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
This is Painful ...
Today was the first of regularly scheduled visits with my kids. There is a third-party organization locally that supervises the visits. They ensure that an "exchange" takes place so that the alienated parent can see the children on their premises without encountering the other parent. For this to happen, I have to show up 30 minutes before the visitation time. They place me in the visitation room and 30 minutes later, when my wife comes, they escort the children in to see me. We can then spend an hour together. Once the children leave, I have to be locked back in the visitation room for an additional 15 minutes. This gives my wife enough time to get the kids and leave, ensuring that I don't accidentally cross her path.
But today was quite painful ...
I waited in the visitation room to see my children ... the highlight of my week! Finally, at the scheduled time, the door opens and in comes my youngest son! But that is all. I have four children, but only one came to visit me. I was not expecting the girls to come. After all, I have not seen them at all since I was arrested in September. But I was hoping to see my oldest son!
When I was first allowed to see my children (almost three months after my arrest) both of my boys came. Both said they had a wonderful time and both asked the Social Services worker if they could see me again and soon! The next visit was two weeks later and during that visit only the younger son showed up. That was about a week or so before Christmas. Once again, my oldest son didn't come to see me. My heart broke.
Don't get me wrong. I love all of my children. I had a great time with my youngest son during our visit together. We played chess. We talked about school. They even had a little basketball thing in the room and we played some of that. It was laughs and smiles and having a good time. But after he left I felt so empty inside. Where was my oldest? Why did he not show up? What is going on?
When things like this happen it is hard to control your thoughts. Of course, in a situation like this, it is easy to think all the bad things. But my oldest son is 14. He is a teenager. He might have problems of his own that he is dealing with. Then again, maybe not. And I cannot even make a phone call to find out! Could my son hate me right now? Could he be ashamed of me? Could it be that he is sick? I have no way of knowing and no way to find out either! All I know is that my heart is broken!
I called my dad after getting home from the visit. He had wanted me to call because he wanted to know how the visit went. I tried to sound normal on the phone, but after telling him that my oldest did not show up, I broke down, started to cry and had to get off the phone. This ... hurts!
I am completely cut off from my family. At the end of December my family moved. The contract was up on the home we were renting. Because of the protective order, I am not even allowed to know where they are living. How would you like it if you could not even know where your own wife and kids lived? Could not even know their phone number? And even if you did know, you couldn't stop by or give them a call! I am cut off!
When I went to the visitation place they made me empty my pockets. I could have nothing with me during the visit but the clothes on my back. While that may not seem very important (and, yes, even understandable considering some of the things this place has to deal with) it simply emphasized to me that I am cut off from my family. I could not even sit down with my child having my car keys in my pocket!
The visits are to be very week on Thursday evening. Frankly, I am having a hard time getting excited about them. Why? Because I can only take so much heart break. Yes! I want to be there for my youngest son (should he decide to come back next week) and I will be! But with the others not showing up ... that simply crushes me!
But today was quite painful ...
I waited in the visitation room to see my children ... the highlight of my week! Finally, at the scheduled time, the door opens and in comes my youngest son! But that is all. I have four children, but only one came to visit me. I was not expecting the girls to come. After all, I have not seen them at all since I was arrested in September. But I was hoping to see my oldest son!
When I was first allowed to see my children (almost three months after my arrest) both of my boys came. Both said they had a wonderful time and both asked the Social Services worker if they could see me again and soon! The next visit was two weeks later and during that visit only the younger son showed up. That was about a week or so before Christmas. Once again, my oldest son didn't come to see me. My heart broke.
Don't get me wrong. I love all of my children. I had a great time with my youngest son during our visit together. We played chess. We talked about school. They even had a little basketball thing in the room and we played some of that. It was laughs and smiles and having a good time. But after he left I felt so empty inside. Where was my oldest? Why did he not show up? What is going on?
When things like this happen it is hard to control your thoughts. Of course, in a situation like this, it is easy to think all the bad things. But my oldest son is 14. He is a teenager. He might have problems of his own that he is dealing with. Then again, maybe not. And I cannot even make a phone call to find out! Could my son hate me right now? Could he be ashamed of me? Could it be that he is sick? I have no way of knowing and no way to find out either! All I know is that my heart is broken!
I called my dad after getting home from the visit. He had wanted me to call because he wanted to know how the visit went. I tried to sound normal on the phone, but after telling him that my oldest did not show up, I broke down, started to cry and had to get off the phone. This ... hurts!
I am completely cut off from my family. At the end of December my family moved. The contract was up on the home we were renting. Because of the protective order, I am not even allowed to know where they are living. How would you like it if you could not even know where your own wife and kids lived? Could not even know their phone number? And even if you did know, you couldn't stop by or give them a call! I am cut off!
When I went to the visitation place they made me empty my pockets. I could have nothing with me during the visit but the clothes on my back. While that may not seem very important (and, yes, even understandable considering some of the things this place has to deal with) it simply emphasized to me that I am cut off from my family. I could not even sit down with my child having my car keys in my pocket!
The visits are to be very week on Thursday evening. Frankly, I am having a hard time getting excited about them. Why? Because I can only take so much heart break. Yes! I want to be there for my youngest son (should he decide to come back next week) and I will be! But with the others not showing up ... that simply crushes me!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
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