My "Deception"

I wanted to take a moment and address a point. It comes from a comment I received on this blog as well as some emails I have received and some things that have been said about me. There are certainly people who believe that I am lying about a number of things. Some believe that I am lying about my innocence. Some believe much more than that. They believe that I have been a deceiver and that I have been purposefully deceiving people for a good part, if not all, of my life. I suppose that what these people are really calling into question is the past 17 or so years since I first became a Christian. Because I now so vehemently deny the Christ and God of the Bible, many assume that I could never have been truly "saved" 17 years ago when I first made my confession of faith. This would, of course, call the last 17 years into question.

But I was not the standard pew sitter. I was a preacher and a missionary. This may make it more difficult for some people to accept that I no longer believe in Christ or the Bible. They may feel it is necessary to defend their own belief system and to do so by trying their best to discredit me. How do you compensate for a person who, not only claimed that he was a believer, but taught the Bible, preached the Bible, went to serve on the mission field and sacrificed his life for the ministry, but then one day walks away from the faith? It seems that, for some, the remedy for this is to claim that I have always been a deceiver and that I must have been a damn good one at that!

I want to take a few moments to talk about the last 17 years of my life. On June the 1st, 1991, not long after returning from Dessert Storm, I came to a place where I heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ and accepted him into my heart. I was at someone's home and they led me through a sinner's prayer. Afterward I can remember that I felt lighter ... like a great weight had been lifted off of me. The next day I can remember that the sky seemed bluer and the grass greener. I was baptized, based on my confession of faith that following Sunday at Victory Baptist Church in Clemmons, North Carolina.

The pastor of that church recommended that I attend Piedmont Bible College (now Piedmont Baptist College) to get a degree in the Bible. I applied, was accepted and completed a year at that school before transferring to the Institute of Biblical Studies (IBS) which, at that time, was a part of the Friends of Israel Gospel Ministry. It was while at PBC that I met Melanie and it was not long after that that we were wed.

After graduating from IBS we began to serve in churches by teaching things like Jewish evangelism, the importance of Israel in God's plan, basic doctrine and many teachings on the historical backgrounds to key biblical passages. For the next six or seven years I took no money from the church. I worked to support my growing family. I would chose jobs, not based on what I wanted to do or how much money I could make, but on if they offered me the ability to keep ministering. This meant I needed flexibility in scheduling. My mindset was to minister and working only served the purpose of providing shelter, clothing and food. There was no mindset of getting rich or even getting ahead. All was done to minister.

Eventually we moved from Virginia to New Jersey. One church that loved us and wanted to support us in our efforts to reach the Jew with the Gospel and wanted to help us go to Israel was Berean Baptist Church in Magnolia, New Jersey. We moved to be close to them and to work with their people for a few years before heading off to Israel. The pastor asked me to serve on his elder staff and, as a result, I was there to help with the decision making process of the church along with the other elders. As a side note, when I was in the process of becoming a pastor at Heritage Baptist Church in Vinton, Virginia, Pastor Barton talked with the pastor of Berean Baptist. The word he got was that Dan Silverman was a man of integrity that could be trusted with even the most sensitive of information.

While at Berean, I was encouraged by the pastor to prepare to be ordained. I was required to write an ordination paper that detailed my beliefs. I still have this 20+ page document on my computer. In order to be ordained in that system, I had to go before a board and be reviewed. My doctrinal statement was read beforehand and the board was to question me at length so that they could hear my answers. Unless I satisfied this board, I could not be ordained.

I still have my ordination certificate that I earned that day. Some of the people on the board included my pastor, Richard Vauhgn, and William Krewson, who is currently the director of the Institute of Jewish Studies (then called IBS) and was then a prominent professor there. According to these men, I was not only prepared to be ordained, but that they were impressed with how well I knew the Scriptures and was easily able to provide answers to their extensive questions. The entire interview process was recorded by a member of Lighthouse Baptist Church.

The pastor of Berean Baptist Church, Pastor Vaughn, had family members that attended a Baptist Church in Delaware. This church had a variety of troubles and the result was a church split that formed a new congregation. This "split" did not have a pastor and, as a result, was reeling from a lack of stability. Berean sent me down to be the interim pastor in order to help bring stability and hold the place together while the church was being established and while a permanent pastor was being sought. During my six months or so at Light House Baptist Church, which was the name of this new congregation, the church grew and the people grew to love me and my family.

With my time done at Lighthouse, we prepared our family for the big move to Israel! In December, right after 911, at the height of an Intifada against the people of Israel, we flew out from JFK airport and soon landed in Tel Aviv to start our new life as missionaries in the land of Israel. We gladly went to there to live in Jerusalem despite the fact that they were almost daily (at that time) getting missile attacks and bus bombings. We, as a family, were willing to sacrifice our lives for the ministry to the people of Israel.

I served with Meno Kalisher, an Israeli pastor, at his church, the Jerusalem Assembly House of Redemption. I was a member of his staff, meeting weekly to help make decisions about the church, to help in counseling and to teach and to preach. I taught in the church, taught Bible studies in our apartment and traveled much with Meno to visit with people who needed help. I participated in evangelistic campaigns distributing leaflets throughout Jerusalem to encourage the people to discover the Jewish Messiah, Jesus. I helped create a facelift for Jerusalem Assembly's evangelistic web site that promoted the "truth" about Jesus in Hebrew to the people of Israel.

I labored to serve there in the land of Israel and, on top of it all, I worked to support our family. Churches had given sacrificially to get us set up in Israel. But monthly financial support was usually around $500 a month, though we had some higher months. However, living in Israel is very expensive. A vehicle costs at least twice as much there as in the USA. I eventually leased a small seven passenger car (a Mazda 5) at the cost of $1500 per month! Food was more expensive. Gas cost about $7 per gallon and that was years before this last gas hike we all experienced. I worked to support my family on top of all the labor I did for the ministry.

Our home was constantly full of people from the church. We had purposefully found a place with a very large living room in order that we could hold church events there. Jerusalem Assembly, despite having 250-300 people in attendance at the time, did not have its own building. Therefore they rented a place for their weekly worship meetings. All other events had to be in someone's home. On top of this, we would often have events where we would invite neighbors as well as members from our church. The purpose was to introduce our neighbors to Jewish believers, to build a dialog and to help evangelize them.

After 3.5 years of living in Jerusalem, we moved to the north of Israel, above the Sea of Galilee to a village called Yasod HaMa'alah. Our goal was to go to a place where there was not a church and to start one by evanglizing the people in that area. We ministered there, working with both believers that we had discovered and witnessing to non-believers, for about a year before coming back to the USA to help take care of Melanie's elderly mother.

We were big believers in the family, believing that the Bible placed a huge emphasis on parent-child relationships. This was one of the motivating factors that caused us to make another international move away from Israel and back to the United States. Melanie's mother was almost 80 at the time and it was becoming apparent that she was struggling to take care of herself. When we moved back we made sure to find a home to rent that had enough space for our family of six (four children, my wife and I) and for her mother. We were ready for her to move in with us and for us to take care of her. Of course this produced additional expenses. A larger home was needed which would cost more to rent. Eventually Melanie's mom moved in with us.

Later we became more involved in Melanie's brother's life. Ed was about 50 and has been a severe alcoholic since about 18. He had been to about every recovery and addictions program that he could go to. We even took him into our home and were trying to help him! When he eventually moved out and went back to drinking, I would make sure to stop by his place, visit with him and try to encourage him away from drinking. Frequently Melanie and her mother would thank me for the time and effort I had put into Ed.

I could go on, but I write all this to make a point:

WHAT WAS MY MOTIVATION FOR DECEIVING EVERYONE FOR THE LAST 17 YEARS OF MY LIFE?

Did I get rich from my Christian experience? No. Most of our marriage we were on the edge of poverty. I can remember fitting the six of us in our five passenger car that was always on the verge of overheating because that car was all we could afford!

What did I have to gain by deceiving people about being a Christian for 17 years?

The answer is, I was not deceiving people. I honestly believed that Christ was God and that the Bible was God's word. I studied that book. I taught that book. I prayed and would plead with God. I was definitely sincere. The last 17 years of my life have been a dedication to Christ and his word. None of that was deception.

However, I have certainly come to a place where I came to see things more clearly. I came out from under the delusion of fundamentalist Christianity and now I believe the Bible is not the word of God and that the Gospels are fiction. There are many factors that have led me to these conclusions. This does not make me deceptive. If I had wanted to have been deceptive, I could have hidden this and acted like I still believed when I did not. Instead, despite the problems I knew this would cause, I told my wife and pastor what I believed about Christ, God and the Bible.

I did not deceive. I lived my life according to what I believed and I still do.

Much Going On! Feel Free to Email Me!

I know it has been a while since I have updated this blog and a lot has transpired. However, because of recent events I am not at liberty to talk about them publicly. I have had a meeting with my lawyer to discuss my case (and more scheduled), a meeting with DSS (Department of Social Services) and some counselors (and more of those scheduled as well) and many other things. I certainly wanted to blog about a lot of what I have learned and experienced, but prudence says not to write about them in such a public forum. However, I know that many of you are curious and, in fact, many have been asking about what has been going on. Therefore I recommend that you contact me via email. I will do my best to respond and talk about what I am able. A link to my email address is to the left on the side bar.

Thank you for your understanding.

Met with My Lawyer Today

I met with my lawyer today and we looked over the case material. There is not much to report other than things are looking hopeful. Obviously I cannot talk about what we discussed, what are plans are, etc. In fact, a lot of planning will take shape as the court date gets nearer.

A Call from Social Services

I received a phone call the other day from Social Services. These days, anytime I receive a call or a visit from the police or Social Services I begin to wonder, "What happened now?!?" This time the call was a good one!

Both of my sons are seeing their own counselor. The purpose behind this is to help them adjust to all that is going on and, frankly, this makes sense. From what I have heard, my sons have been very trying in the home (one of the reasons given for my youngest being removed from the home to live some place else) and the counselors want to help them to behave properly. The guardian ad litem met with the two counselors and the Social Services case worker. Apparently it was suggested that it would be best to have the boys' father involved in some of the counseling sessions. That way I could help as a father.

Frankly, I am overjoyed that this opportunity has been given to me! It means that, to some degree, I can be a bit more involved in my children's lives and actually be a father to them! During the supervised visitation time I can do little more than play with whomever shows up. But being a father is so much more than playing a game or two with you children.

My first meeting is scheduled this coming Tuesday. I get to sit down with the counselors and the Social Services case worker. I will learn more about this opportunity then.