... and why I am going to take it off line.
I started this blog as a knee jerk reaction the the local Channel 7 News report that had come out back in November. In that report, I was mentioned along with another man from the same church that had been accused of far more than I had, yet I was lumped in along side him. This frightened me! For several days I was even afraid to leave my room! Several people that were in communication with me suggested that I start a blog with the idea of me being able to tell my side of the story. As a result, this blog was born.
But I now realize what a selfish thing this was. I have a wife and, though I am opposed to what she is doing to both myself and the children, she is still is my wife. I cannot see how this blog could possibly help our situation. I created this blog out of concern to protect myself, but I did not give much thought to what affect this could have on my wife. In fact, I don't know what affect it is or is not having, but I can only imagine how I would feel if I were in her place. Perhaps some here would think something like, "Who cares how she feels after what she has done to you?" But I do. Despite the pain, she is still my wife.
Secondly, I never wanted to be in the spot light about all of this. My original plan was to just survive ... to get through this and do what I could to get my family back. But the news report scared me! I felt I needed to do my own "reporting" (so to speak) so that my side could be known. I no longer feel this way. I don't believe that this blog can do or is doing any real good at the moment. Therefore, I plan to take it down. I will give it a week or so and that only so people can read this post.
What it all comes down to is that I love my kids. I want to be a part of their lives and, in order to do that, I have to continue to endure some garbage and muck through it until this is all over with. This blog is not going to help me achieve that goal (not that I can see). I don't want to be in the public's eye. I don't really want to rattle anyone's cage. I just want to get through tomorrow and be their for my children when this is over. That is all. Nothing more.
34 comments:
I see this blog as a defense mechanism. I have concern for all those involved, not just you, yes, that includes your wife. She is only acting based on what she believes. Admittedly I do not agree with what she believes, and doing what you have described her doing is abhorrent to me, but I still think she is acting out of sincerity. Of course, that doesn't make it right.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and all the best in the new year. I hope that all this gets resolved in the new year!
Dan,
:) I wish you nothing but the best. I hope that everything works out for you and your family!!!! Good luck, and God bless!!
-A Friend
hi dan. i've been reading your blog since you posted and have been praying ofter for you and your family. i hope that the truth shines through and that ultimately, you are led back to Christ. i wouldn't be a good Christian if i didn't want that :)
i actually know you and your family from long ago and your situation just breaks my heart. you are in my prayers.
Dan,
I want to post the same thing as the previous Anonymous posed. I too know you as well, and also many of those involved with your situation.
First off, I am baffled at your denunciation of the faith. Obviously that is your choice, and the Bible does say men (general term) will fall away. However, I read in things you have posted here a tenderness still in your heart. I am concerned, Dan, beacause I am asking God have you blasphemed His Holy Spirit, the only unforgivable sin.
I do not know why the things that have happened to your mind have fallen out unto the way the have, but I know that a certain person you have dealt with extensively over the past several years is a mind destroyer. I don't know what God may have showed you, or not, that may have caused all of this, but I pray with all my heart that you not perish.
You may not care to hear that, but God does love you, Dan, as He loves all of the world. It is our choice to Believe and Receive Him or Reject Him, but I would not be a Biblical Christian if I did not desire the eternal security of your soul.
I have ached in my heart for you and this whole situation. I wish it were not the way it is, but what, WHAT does God intend in it for you, your family, and those watching all of it.
I wish you were never a part of the place that you were. But your were, things happened, and God can still redeem all of you out of it.
Dan, you are in my thoughts, and I have not known how to pray so I can not honestly say purposed prayers, but I am comforted to know that when I do not know how to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes for me.
I am disappointed not to follow this along any more, as my heart is sore concerned, and I would not believe anyone that told me about an individual's personal situation, because there is always bias. I have chosen to follow this because I am confused as to what happened to you.
BUT, I see your heart in removing this blog for the sake of your wife and your family. And whether or not you love God (or not), I know He will bless you for taking this off the internet. I understand your panic and your fear.
You have been accused of many things, one of which is lying. There are two sides to every story and without the knowledge firsthand of the other side, nobody can make an honest judgment of you or this.
Dan, please don't turn from God. It is your choice, but I would pray you not. May God help you and everyone.
In Christ,
Another "chosen" Anonymous person
Best of luck. May your wife convert to pastafarianism soon so that your family can be happy.
Thank you for commenting and, yes, even for your prayers. I do appreciate it. For those of you that are posting as Anonymous and say that you know me: please feel free to contact me via email if you would like. My email address is linked to the left of the blog. I will be more than happy to talk to you (if that is what you would like).
Thank you,
Dan
Kudos for your commitment to your kids, man. I'd pray for you, but that would be pointless as there is no god. :)
Religion is always about building walls between people. This makes it hard for those of us who've realized we were wrong about religion to live happily beside those who still think they have it figured out.
But we have to do it, especially when our families are involved. (My family is about 80% Christian.) I hope one day your wife experiences the same epiphany you did and that you'll be able to be one happy family again.
Dude. I just went back and read your story. I need to amend slightly what I wrote before.
I understand that you love your wife. She clearly doesn't love you. I'd be surprised if she's loved you at all for a while, if she could lie to have you put in jail like that. Hard as it will be, you need to get out of that relationship.
Once you've proven your innocence you can probably get your kids to live with you, given that your wife lied to have you arrested on such a heinous charge. Even if they aren't living with you, they are your kids and will always want you in their lives. You won't lose them.
But the woman who clearly does not love you needs to go. Get a divorce. It'll be hard. But in the long term you'll be glad you did it.
Then, please think about sharing your story. You aren't the only person hurt by the evil that is Christianity. Your story can bring peace to a lot of people.
I came here after reading about your story on PZ blog, Pharyngula.
Its incredible what they did to you.
So much hate, such bigotry and disdain.
I wouldnt never understand fully how much pain this criminal aggression had caused you, its so cruel... even your wife dumped you, you lost contact with your beloved kids !
Dan, i cant help you directly, but i offer you all my support.
You sure deserve praises for such a corageous action. To think, to reject blind faith, to see through the clouds with the light of reason.
"Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion". (Steven Weinberg)
Justin,
I wanted to take a moment to reply to your last comment. I think it is important. I would ask you to notice that I never once said that my wife lied. The accusation did not originate with her. However, because of my de-conversion, my wife believed that I became capable of any crime, no matter how horrible. After all, without the Holy Spirit within me, what was to keep me from being the next Hitler?
You might want to read the following blog entries (if you have not already):
http://allforfreedom.blogspot.com/2008/11/suffer-little-children.html
http://allforfreedom.blogspot.com/2008/11/cant-divorce-brainwash-kids.html
Lord Zero,
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your sympathy. Coming out of the faith was not easy. I knew it would cost me, but the freedom of mind is of great value.
I'll get through this.
Thanks!
Dan
And to everyone:
This has been an odd, but good, day! I have had more comments on this blog (on several articles) than any day since it began. I am not sure what is going on and why so many people are commenting today. However, I am happy to get all the comments!
Thank you!
Dear Mr. Silverman.
To clarify things I came across your blog through PZ Myers blog Pharyngula. -This may be part of the reason you've gotten more comments and exposure lately.
As a Norwegian I'm fortunate not to have been exposed to the imprisonment of mind that is religion, we have some small sects, but they are by far the exception and not even close to being the rule.
That's probably why stories such as yours really get to me, it shows how religon can make judgemental bigots out og people that normally would never do anything to hurt another person.
I hope this matter resolves in a peacefull manner, that your vife can reconsile with your lack of supernatural beliefs and you once again can enjoy the family life.
I truly hope this matter gets resolved in the best way possible for all parties.
Good luck in the new year, may reason prevail!
Dan,
Another reader from Pharyngula (http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2008/12/some_of_us_had_it_easy.php) here. This may be one reason for a big part of your increased traffic, Pharyngula is one of the busiest blogs out there and most of its regulars are inquisitive folks who will no doubt be reading through your archives here.
Your story is quite startling, it almost boggles the mind of one who has lived most of their life in non-religious communities that such a thing could be true. It is regretable that by learning more about the levels of religious conviction some people hold, and the way it skews their value system, I'm forced to admit that your story is competely believable.
I read your story and I want you to know I feel very sorry for you. I hope everything turns out okay.
S.G., Poland
lettertoafriend.blogspot.com
Hi, another reader from Pharyngula here.
Your story is horrifying, and I hope you will be exonerated of any crimes you did not commit!
There is a huge community of atheists, agnostics and even moderate believers out there who will continue to offer help and advice. You should never be afraid to speak your mind, and you have a fundamental right to freedom of and from religion. Don't forget that.
I hope you can work things out with your wife, but it doesn't sound like she is at all on your side. I agree with the previous poster who suggested you concentrate on clearing your name and maintaining your relationships with your children.
With good wishes for a better 2009, from an atheist in Scotland.
Take care, Tim
Dan,
I was raised Assembly of God and am the daughter of an Assembly of God minister. I struggled with questions about my faith for twenty years before I could finally face my unbelief without shame. Then one day in a bookstore, I realized that my brother had independently reached the same conclusion. So it can happen, but I have to admit that I feel it is unlikely that your wife's eyes will ever be opened.
I was fortunate to marry a man who was not brought up in a devout family, so I was able to reach my own conclusions over time without judgment. But many within the church who begin to question are in the same position you are in. However, the unfair suffering that you are having to endure is gut wrenching. Even the comments from your so-called friends who say they are praying for you are living in judgment of you, despite what their founder teaches them. You see, in the end, Christianity is about judgment. Jesus may have been about forgiveness, but his church today is about judgment. And the one thing they judge more harshly than any other 'sin' is the sin of questioning. That is because they know that once you ask for the evidence, they can provide none.
The greatest sin is a wasted life. We only have a few years on this planet. To live this life as though it is a mere blip against all of eternity is to miss what this life is about. You now know this and hopefully you will be able to teach your children this.
What you discovered in your children's rebellion was not so much about the failure of prayer as it was the power of independent little minds. (Although you did discover the futility of prayer as well!)
I sincerely hope that your name is cleared soon and you can get on with enjoying your new found freedom from this 'loving' church!
I too know Dan and his family.
I along with many other Christians are praying for them. I have noticed that so many people have been very quick to judge Dan's wife and other Christians and accuse them of judging Dan when they are only hearing Dan's side of the story. I am praying for Dan and that the truth will come out.
I read through your archives this morning and hope you reconsider removing articles. If the blog is no longer helping you deal with these issues in your life I understand the desire, but where else will your children ever learn about this? This is a view of your feelings and life during a time they will probably wonder about. Someday your children might be curious about this, and you may or may not be there (life is funny that way).
My father's parents went through something similar (minus the legal component), and I can tell you in later years of life he often wondered about it. Sadly, his parents never made comments anywhere like this he could search. He traveled a bit talking to old friends and members of their old church. Unfortunately time had changed things and there just were not many left who knew them. None of them could shed much light on this part of their lives (obviously they didn't talk about issues like this to very many people).
He would have loved years later to come across a blog one of his parents had made about this time in his life. All he remembers is lots of confusion and parents that seemed to hate each other. Nothing violent, but he remembers this distance between them as fighting.
Something like this would have helped him get closure on something that bothers him to this day.
I am a Christian, but I avoid church like the plague. To me, it is just a very dangerous place with ravening wolves running around in sheep's clothing-- always wanting to help you, always wanting to pray for you and with you. These people always smile their toothy smile, tell you how much they love you, but then will turn around and savage you at the drop of a hat. Anywhere that I have gone to church I have encountered these type of people, and for some reason they seem especially attracted to me, probably because I am intelligent, articulate, and not at all afraid to ask the "dangerous" questions. I have been hurt severely by church people, and many people seem baffled as to why I am so loathe to "fellowship with the believers." What I am baffled about is that the churches not only tolerate, but honor and venerate these monsters.
At least Jesus warned us about these people, and promised that the day will come when they say "Lord, Lord, Didn't we do all these wonderful things for you?" And he will say "Depart from me you workers of lawlessness, I never knew you."
May God bless you, Dan, whether you believe in him or not. I am completely convinced that God is more favorable to an honest doubter, than he is to a self-righteous, hypocritical Pharisee.
Dan,
I hope that you continue to use this blog. I understand why you think it might be a detriment to your relationship with your wife but I think you need to keep your story and your side clear in some fashion that is public. Edit around your wife if you must, but don't let your story become anonymous.
You need personal emotional support and this is a good way to get it from people who, like you, want others to understand that we all should think and reason and be free to do so without fear of the persecution religion so freely heaps upon people like us.
Ultimately, of course, it is your choice but I do hope you will continue to keep the world informed about your struggle.
Whatever you decide please be aware that this atheist/free thinker is most definitely on your side and pulling for you.
Tim
Wow. I saw this on Reddit today. I am just shocked at your story. I am so sorry that this happened. I hope everything works out for you. I'll keep reading.
I see that many are judging Dan's wife when they are only hearing one side of the story. We are praying for Dan and his family.
I'm not praying for you (not religious), but I support you and hope the best for you.
Congratulations for standing up for your own mind, by the way. Those who have never been religious often do not understand what a struggle it is to drop the comfortable weights of faith. I'm proud of you as a thinking human being. Welcome back.
Reading your story has left a disgusting sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Please do not take offense to this, but in my opinion, you wife does not love YOU. She loved and married a religious speaker and role model, not you. Your wife should love you for yourself. As for your beliefs, the journey to God is a group journey, peer pressure makes it easier. The journey to free thinking is one of solitude, but the freedom is worth it. Congratulations on being your own man and thinking for yourself. Please consider keeping this blog open. There are many of us who are reading and hoping the best for you.
I am an atheist and I just wanted to say I feel really bad for you. Good luck to you.
FYI, you are getting a lot of responses today because your story made the front page of reddit, a social news website.
>> But I now realize what a selfish thing this was. I have a wife and, though I am opposed to what she is doing to both myself and the children, she is still is my wife. I cannot see how this blog could possibly help our situation. I created this blog out of concern to protect myself, but I did not give much thought to what affect this could have on my wife. In fact, I don't know what affect it is or is not having, but I can only imagine how I would feel if I were in her place. <<
Dan, I don't know your from a hole in the wall.
Nevertheless, I can't help but lament the passing of this blog.
You label your blog as selfish, but have you considered that this is not the epithet you think it to be? Your entire support structure has collapsed. You wife has abandoned you, your freedom has been curbed, and those whom you once called "friend" are scarce indeed. Why then, would you not reach out, and seek affirmation that you are not the monster your
community claims you to be? There is loneliness in your posts, and catharsis as well. Do not treat these lightly.
Read the comments and it becomes apparent that your story is valuable, even if nothing more than as a testament. Others now and in the future will share your doubts. As painful as your experience has been (and likely will continue to be), there are lessons to be learned. Moreover, like it or not you have developed a following. There are people watching your story, rooting for your, hoping for to you to achieve a victory over small-minded prejudice and religious bigotry. Poor company though we internet denizens can be, there might be solace to be found here.
Even if you decide that your updates should cease, I urge you to leave the existing posts untouched. You have dedicated your life to service in the manner dictated by your convictions. This blog is little more than a continuation.
On the matter of your wife, should she happen upon your blog I find myself imagining not that it would do harm, but good. Assuming that the honesty and sincerity in your posts are genuine, the charges are false, and your wife is complicit, I can't help but think that her actions and yours should stand in stark contrast to one another.
At worst, she will be unaffected. She thinks you a hell-bound anti-Christ already. On the other hand, there exists the chance that she may come to realize that, by her own definitions, she has sinned. If the accusations are untrue, then has she born false witness against you? Or fostered it in a child? Perhaps it is only that she stood silent, idle, abandoning her innocent husband at his darkest hour. This blog may yet reach some small spark of humanity that oppressive faith has failed to extinguish.
Whatever your decision, it is my wish that justice should prevail, the innocent be protected, and the guilty pay for their crimes. It may be rare, but it is all I think we can hope for.
Dan
I too went through something similar, although not nearly as extreme.
When I had a revelation much like you did and left the baptist church after many years I was effectively shunned. All the friends and relationships I had found and built over the past years vanished overnight. It's interesting how something so rational and simple can completely turn everything upside down.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope the truth comes out and you can once again be with your family.
Dan, found your blog through Reddit. This is an incredible story. I am very glad to hear that you have liberated your mind, but am horrified by what it has cost you. I wish people would relax and not bombard you with their opinion on a situation they do not fully grasp or have all of the facts on. You are obviously a very strong person to be understanding of your wife throughout your ordeal. I wish you the best in resolving this mess. Good luck.
-Dave from Canada
Dan,
I felt obliged to comment in order to offer some form of support for you and what you are going through. I am also an ex-christian from a family of christians who once backslid back into christianity as a final test of the effectiveness of prayer.
My saintly, teacher mother has diabetes and degenerative eye disease. I thought that if I directed all possible spiritual energy toward her healing then by the bible's teachings she would be healed.
As you have discovered, prayer doesn't work. Wanting something to be true doesn't make it true. Instead we are stuck with math and science which is proven and verifiable.
Thank you for sharing your story and know that many are going through similar if less extreme experiences all over the world.
I hope that your children, like yourself, will be able to see through the lies and come to the truth on their own. Remember to always have love for yourself through the turmoil
Another reader of Pharyngula here. Your story definitely is a very moving one, and made me want to send you a word or two of encouragement (though it appears to have grown a bit beyond that :-).
I had a comparable experience in my previous job a few years ago, with rumours and threatened allegations of me sexually assaulting a female co-worker. I found out before things got to your level (actually being in jail for that long...wow), mainly because of other smaller attempts to undermine me that raised my suspicions. Well, I puffed out my chest and rose to the challenge (*laugh*), did days and weeks of "investigation", created documentation, and presented solid evidence of what was happening. And unlike many in my situation, I actually won...yet I still lost. Justice was done, and my innocence was clear (even to outside legal entities), but the end result was a constructive dismissal by a company bent on avoiding the root cause of the problem.
Living through it (and the aftermath) I learned two important lessons, the first about other people and the second about myself. I hope you can relate to these, but I'm not attempting some online mental diagnosis here or anything. :-)
First off, I saw how easy it is for (otherwise) good people to demonize and ostracize others, and how names like "heretic" or "outsider" are used. Label someone or some group as an enemy and -- as I watched firsthand -- the dynamics soon lead to a level where even violence is justified. What first may begin as a "joke" (scare quotes are actually very appropriate here), escalates into actual plans and actions bent on destroying the target.
The second thing I learned is my "approval seeking" nature, and the way I try to please everyone around me. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can be troublesome, especially when you believe that everyone will like you if you just try to be a "good boy/girl". I see this in your worry about how this blog might affect your wife. My situation was similar in that the former friends attacking me were clearly miserable, and when I learned about that I truly felt bad for them, and I fantasized about reaching out to them...mending fences so that they (and I) could be happy again...
I quit my job two months after all of this came to a head, with the words: "I do not regret staying and fighting as long as I did, but I do regret not having left sooner."
The word "selfish" was always anathema to me. However, if someone tries to label me with it now, I won't be dissuaded or feel guilty as a result. This is a bit difficult to describe, and I can only relate it through an example: while anyone will say that their health is more important than income, status, or whatever pretense applies, those are just words. Many of us (most of us?) will turn those statements into outright lies by sticking around long past the point where we should say "this isn't worth my health anymore".
I'm happy that you've found the community of atheists, agnostics, secular humanists, freethinkers, etc, to be such a welcoming place, since it echoes my experiences. I don't have the same conversion experience as you (in fact, I trace my godless roots all the way back to before my teenage years -- the strongest memory being my reaction upon reading certain parts of the last novel in C.S. Lewis' Narnia series :-), but this "extended family" online is still very important to me. Anyways, it is a group that -- being rational -- will have very interesting and enlightening things to say about language, communication, and ethics (very appropriate to your thoughts).
And, for what it's worth, I would recommend that you give some thought towards keeping going with this blog. You can feel free to ignore my meddling, but I really see this as a positive way to express yourself freely and openly. It is good for you, and that is good for everyone around you. Try saying this to yourself every once in a while: "They have ownership of this problem, not me." If this holds true in any reasonable way as you think it through, then don't let it affect you. Say these words (yes, memorize them and actually speak them): "It's unfortunate that you choose to perceive me in this manner."
I must admit to my own selfishness here too: I'd like to be able to check back in the future and see how things are working out, so please don't end the blog now. :-) Faith -- whether in people, god, destiny, or whatever -- always makes for the most dramatic of stories.
Lastly, a quick response to those who have commented by saying "I'll be praying for you": I'll definitely be thinking about you in return, and hoping that you find something better to do with your time. In fact, I recommend that you quit praying and instead go out and donate blood. Did you know that you can save up to three people's lives by doing so? Or perhaps even write a blog to share your life experiences with others. Please, if you really care so much, do something that will reasonably help other people. Prayer is either worthless, or only makes the person praying feel better. Nothing more will ever result from it.
good luck. i hope you did not do what you were accused of. i can't help but believe you.
i wonder if the people who put you in the situation you're in don't fear punishment from god themselves. isn't lying sinful? and to bring kids into their weird little triangle is sick. i can't help but wonder if they're just envious of your freedom.
i don't know. religion is weird. america is too.
Dan, I have come here via PZ and I wish you all the best. You are dealing with people who are far from rational and I feel for you. Your rationality is a direct threat to them and they have responded in a way Christ would not have defended.
A case in point: Anon said: "I am concerned, Dan, beacause I am asking God have you blasphemed His Holy Spirit, the only unforgivable sin." Yea, premeditated murder, torture, kidnapping etc are forgivable, blaspheming the holy spirit isn't. The people who wrote the bible were an odd assortment. I will never lose my amazement that there are people who believe it is all literally true when it is such an obvious mess.
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