Each Thursday I get to see my kids via supervised visitation. I get one hour. Yesterday both of my sons came to see me! It was great to finally see my oldest child as well as the youngest. As usual, we had a good time playing games like chess, throwing a ball and things like that, but we also got to talk and this was desperately needed.
And I'll tell you why ...
My oldest son barely smiled. In fact, he says that he has made a commitment to never smile again. He is 14, a teenager, and he is already going through a lot with the normal changes of that age. However, the stress and strain of this situation is not helping. My son loves me. Because of the way things are in the home, I believe he feels he has to take sides. It is either my side (his dad) or her side (his mom). And, from what I hear, my wife is not doing much to help in this situation. I'll give an example from what I gleaned from my talk with my sons.
I told them that they should write a letter to their grandfather (my dad) because he misses them and is worried about them. My oldest said to me, "Mom won't let us because she says that grandpa is on your side." This is as if to say, anyone who is on dad's side is the enemy and must be avoided! How sad! And how divisive. My wife seems to be doing all that she can to split this family into pieces. In fact, I know some people, who will remain nameless, that are friends with my wife and also with me. They have told me that they will not tell my wife that they have talked to me. Why? Because they fear that she will cut them off if she knew!
In any case, I needed to talk to my sons. I encouraged them to be loving and kind. I told them that getting mad and lashing out would not solve any of the problems that we are all facing at the moment and to have hope. I said to my oldest that the trial is not that far away and soon we can move forward with our lives ... that we just needed to hold on for a bit more and keep our chins up. When he told me that he had determined to no longer smile I looked at him very seriously and said very gently, "Son, if there is anyone in this room that should not be smiling from day to day, it is me. But I am smiling. And I have a great deal to smile about. You are one of the reasons I can smile today." And I encouraged him to find a reason to smile every day.
It is obvious that this situation has caused my son a lot of pain and he is becoming a withdrawn and angry young man. I encouraged him to try to come to each supervised meeting on Thursday so that we can talk, be with each other and all of that. Right now his homework schedule is quite heavy and this is what kept him from coming the last two times. I said he could bring his homework with him and I would be happy to help him with it. This actually perked him up a bit. He said, "Really?" And I said, "Of course."
I hurt for my sons. I hurt for my daughters, too, but I have not seen them since September 8th.
7 comments:
You might consider reminding your son that, as scary as it can be, he has the ability to think for himself. At 14 he's old enough to begin making his own decisions.
Don't tell him WHAT to think, but help him understand HOW to think.
Good point! At one point I told my son, no one can take your mind! Use it!
Hi Dan,
That was an awesome post! What a breakthrough you experienced - I celebrate that with you.
As a now single dad (my wife left me 6 months ago) I can tell you that my two younger ones (13 and 8) are struggling with similar feelings. You did the right thing - it was just incredible to read it.
I would encourage you to continue to take the high road. Let the religious thing prove itself to be ugly. I would also encourage you to continue to love your wife and speak well of her while with your kids. They will notice the difference and will respect you for it. Be the leader that God gifted you to be (sorry, got carried away)... ;
I came to these conclusions after much prayer and meditation for my own situation and it seems to be working remarkably well. Just thought I'd share it with you, hope it didn't put you off.
That is just great news! MM
I hope you will get to see all of your kids again soon, whenever, wherever you want. Best of luck!
"he has made a commitment to never smile again"
How awful. I hope this all desn't drag on too long. I'm really glad you got to see him. I look forward to rejoicing with you when this is all over with!
Do you really think your son is not smiling even when he is not with you? Did you get to see him again last week?
My oldest has always been a bit moody. I don't think that he never smiles, but I do believe that he is not very happy. He is a teenager and dealing with all of the changes that come with that, he is separated from his father whom he says he loves and is forced into a situation that he does not like to be in via his current home life. So he is currently under a lot of weight at the moment.
My oldest son did not come to the last visitation. I think there are reasons for this, but I cannot speak about them on this public blog. If you (or anyone) is curious, then feel free to email me and I will do my best to answer.
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